[Infertility] Very demoralized seeking solace here

xiao_cai7

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Very demoralized seeking solace here


Dear All,

Posting my thread here as the audience is mature and some may even go through the pain and suffering like us.


About us.

A couple close to 40, wife few years old than me.

Married for 7 years and still trying a baby.

Did IUI, failed

Wife had miscarriage 9 weeks this via natural

The first IVF cycle did fresh at KKH, failed

Then we try frozen at KKH, failed

Just completed her second IVF eggs retrieval.

My wife had mild OHSS, was suffering, too unwell to do the implant, earliest also 2 months later.


Just this month had few people close to me all having good news.

  1. Cousin had a second kid, son.
  2. Cousin had 5th kid.
  3. Best Friend became a father today

Everyone having good news except us. Am feeling very demoralized:

What we already did

  • Acupuncture
  • TCM herbs
  • House fengshui seen x2.
  • Went Catholic Church
  • Went Shuang Lin Temple at Toa Payoh
  • Went Guan Yin Temple
  • Went some master to appease ancestors, wishing for good luck


My wife still determined. However, I am losing hope due to our age and the amount of money spent and time taken. Also, the pain she has to endure when preparing egg retrieval needs to self jab. We are just middle-income earners, not holding senior positions in our job.

After the failed first cycle frozen cycle she mentioned adoption. I am strongly reluctant, rather be childless than adopt. She says wants a girl to look after us when we old. My wife is a single kid, parents are overseas. Here only a handful of friends and colleagues. Doesn't socialize a lot due to us being childless.

Am now also afraid to go friend's gathering, CNY, baby 1 month/ 1 year ...
 

retrovox

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Think of it this way. You don't have a child, you won't sorrow for losing a child. Your friends and relatives will. The moment you have a child, it's destined that you and your child will part one day. It's either you leave the child first or the child leaves you first.

You mentioned that your wife wants a girl to look after both of you during old age. That's one of the worst reasons for having a child. It's literally pawning another human being to satisfy your own agenda. And by the way, what guaranty do you have that the child will take care of both of you?

You need a child so that you can attend functions and gathering? You are outsourcing your own happiness to a child who will definitely bring you suffering one day. See first point again.
 

Jason_Dmax

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Don’t look as if having a child is winning in life. Think about it at your age, if you were to have a child both you and your wife will have to work your ass off till reaching 60+ years old before you can retire.

just enjoy your 2 person honeymoon + giving birth at your wife’s age will sure have high probability of complications.

Want can see how your friends sufffer sleepless nights and fighting over who to take care of the child, there’s cons of having a child too. Gone are the traditional days where there is a need to 传种接代
 

retrovox

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Don’t look as if having a child is winning in life. Think about it at your age, if you were to have a child both you and your wife will have to work your ass off till reaching 60+ years old before you can retire.

just enjoy your 2 person honeymoon + giving birth at your wife’s age will sure have high probability of complications.

Want can see how your friends sufffer sleepless nights and fighting over who to take care of the child, there’s cons of having a child too. Gone are the traditional days where there is a need to 传种接代
Most people only see not having what they want as the problem. Their biggest concern is, I don't have it, how can I get it? They do not address the problem of wanting.
 

eD|t|0n

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Very demoralized seeking solace here


Dear All,

Posting my thread here as the audience is mature and some may even go through the pain and suffering like us.


About us.

A couple close to 40, wife few years old than me.

Married for 7 years and still trying a baby.

Did IUI, failed

Wife had miscarriage 9 weeks this via natural

The first IVF cycle did fresh at KKH, failed

Then we try frozen at KKH, failed

Just completed her second IVF eggs retrieval.

My wife had mild OHSS, was suffering, too unwell to do the implant, earliest also 2 months later.


Just this month had few people close to me all having good news.

  1. Cousin had a second kid, son.
  2. Cousin had 5th kid.
  3. Best Friend became a father today

Everyone having good news except us. Am feeling very demoralized:

What we already did

  • Acupuncture
  • TCM herbs
  • House fengshui seen x2.
  • Went Catholic Church
  • Went Shuang Lin Temple at Toa Payoh
  • Went Guan Yin Temple
  • Went some master to appease ancestors, wishing for good luck


My wife still determined. However, I am losing hope due to our age and the amount of money spent and time taken. Also, the pain she has to endure when preparing egg retrieval needs to self jab. We are just middle-income earners, not holding senior positions in our job.

After the failed first cycle frozen cycle she mentioned adoption. I am strongly reluctant, rather be childless than adopt. She says wants a girl to look after us when we old. My wife is a single kid, parents are overseas. Here only a handful of friends and colleagues. Doesn't socialize a lot due to us being childless.

Am now also afraid to go friend's gathering, CNY, baby 1 month/ 1 year ...
Hello...

There‘s nothing wrong with trying hard and harder for something that you want. Perhaps not destined due to whatever reasons possible (health/luck/fengshui etc). So be it lor....sometimes things cant be forced. If eventually this route is not vaiable then it’s time both of you take on another path to enrich your lives rather than mourn on what you don’t have.

May I borrow a quote from AGT participant Jane(Cancer fighter) : “You can’t wait until life isn’t hard anymore before you decide to be happy.” Every step of your way, your choice you choose how you wanna live and feel.

When you have no kids...enrich your own lives both of you together...find new interests, try new things...grow and learn together. You are not alone....there are others out there like you..perhaps you don’t socliaise enough as you mention, that’s why you can’t find alike....
 

eD|t|0n

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As for your friends/relatives gathering....sure there will be some asking/questioning/advice etc etc during the 1st few years after marriage right....after 5/6/7 yrs still asking the same questions...ask not tired eh, listen also tiring right....

Those understanding ones will no longer ask and turn other topics into talking points...those don’t understand no matter how u explain and say also don’t waste your breath lor...most important is protect your wife if you hear anything unduly called for..because no one knows what both of you went through, stand up and correct what they think it is because it isn’t...
 

RyanJosie

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Relax, go for a staycation, go pak tor, unwind that tension, stress will not help.

Few of my friends undergoing IVF also and multiple times, not easy esp on the lady, the painful jabs and physiological changes to the body etc. This is compounded by the fact that your wife has little social support in sg, PLEASE do not let her feel like she is on this alone because it will start to strain the relationship, u have to be there in this journey together.

Jia you !
 
Last edited:

kickass22

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I just wanted to say that adoption is a good choice provided for a good reason.

If your reason is so that your kid will look after you OR to connect with your "friends" as they all have kids are just really selfish reasons.

When you have a child or thru adoption, its because you want to share your love with her/him. Your child should be free to do whatever she/he wants with her/his life and its for you to provide guidance so that she/he grows up to have a good life.

Never set your expectations onto the child.

Adoption is a good option but only when you truly want to love a child and not for social needs, or pressure from relatives etc..etc...etc..

The best choice is to take a staycation to go somewhere , relax and both of you should have a heart to heart conversation and decide the path that you want to take .

Talk to parents who have children and those who don't to get some perspective and then make your own choice on your life journey.

Take Care.
 

Gu5ty!

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Very demoralized seeking solace here


Dear All,

Posting my thread here as the audience is mature and some may even go through the pain and suffering like us.


About us.

A couple close to 40, wife few years old than me.

Married for 7 years and still trying a baby.

Did IUI, failed

Wife had miscarriage 9 weeks this via natural

The first IVF cycle did fresh at KKH, failed

Then we try frozen at KKH, failed

Just completed her second IVF eggs retrieval.

My wife had mild OHSS, was suffering, too unwell to do the implant, earliest also 2 months later.


Just this month had few people close to me all having good news.

  1. Cousin had a second kid, son.
  2. Cousin had 5th kid.
  3. Best Friend became a father today

Everyone having good news except us. Am feeling very demoralized:

What we already did

  • Acupuncture
  • TCM herbs
  • House fengshui seen x2.
  • Went Catholic Church
  • Went Shuang Lin Temple at Toa Payoh
  • Went Guan Yin Temple
  • Went some master to appease ancestors, wishing for good luck


My wife still determined. However, I am losing hope due to our age and the amount of money spent and time taken. Also, the pain she has to endure when preparing egg retrieval needs to self jab. We are just middle-income earners, not holding senior positions in our job.

After the failed first cycle frozen cycle she mentioned adoption. I am strongly reluctant, rather be childless than adopt. She says wants a girl to look after us when we old. My wife is a single kid, parents are overseas. Here only a handful of friends and colleagues. Doesn't socialize a lot due to us being childless.

Am now also afraid to go friend's gathering, CNY, baby 1 month/ 1 year ...
Hi TS, I feel for your desire and efforts to get your own child. I see that you have tried lots of methods but I would say those are supplementary methods. Without sorting out the fundamentals, those methods would not be of much help IMHO. What do I mean by fundamentals?
Do you and your wife have sufficient sleep daily? At least 8 hours?
How is your diet like? Do you and your wife control your diet and prime your bodies for fertility?
If your anyhow eat unhealthy food and have insufficient sleep etc. your body is not in good condition for fertility, u do IVF whatever also = waste money, waste time. If one don’t maintain car, pump how good petrol also no use…

intention of having a child others have commented. There is much more to that. Upbringing etc. is also important. But that is another story for another day. Now your focus is having a child, tell u long story behind you also tldr lol.
 

Hellfire

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Stop feeling sorry and anxious for yourself. Then go and get both of you healthy first and learn to destress. there are many couples who went through what you and your spouse had gone through but many more times and many more disappointments. I know of couples with 2-4 miscarriages and some 8-10 yrs without a successful pregnancy yet they never gave up and finally succeeded after years of trying. so i think your mindset and stress is more the cause of the infertility problem or getting your wife pregnancy to terms. while going the divine might give you hope too much of it can become an obsession and again causing more frustrations and stress and eventually may lead to breakdown in your marriage due to many related reasons. Learn to relax first get back in shape and piak without undue expectations. it should work if you can do these things properly. So stay optimistic.
 

hyperfuse

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TS stop replying liao.

Anyway i have 2 kids on my own and there are some days you prefer that you were single hahaha.

There are always pros and cons la.
Enjoy the sex and your freedom. Those who have kids will tell you its not all jolly and dandy. Those who got no kids will keep wanting to have.

Aiyah dont bother and enjoy life. Why care about others?
 

exterminazn

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If you really love to have kids but unable to due to whichever reason, last resort can consider adoption

hope the reason to have kids is not due to social norms, otherwise this can be discussed till no tomorrow
 

Circusend

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Very demoralized seeking solace here


Dear All,

Posting my thread here as the audience is mature and some may even go through the pain and suffering like us.


About us.

A couple close to 40, wife few years old than me.

Married for 7 years and still trying a baby.

Did IUI, failed

Wife had miscarriage 9 weeks this via natural

The first IVF cycle did fresh at KKH, failed

Then we try frozen at KKH, failed

Just completed her second IVF eggs retrieval.

My wife had mild OHSS, was suffering, too unwell to do the implant, earliest also 2 months later.


Just this month had few people close to me all having good news.

  1. Cousin had a second kid, son.
  2. Cousin had 5th kid.
  3. Best Friend became a father today

Everyone having good news except us. Am feeling very demoralized:

What we already did

  • Acupuncture
  • TCM herbs
  • House fengshui seen x2.
  • Went Catholic Church
  • Went Shuang Lin Temple at Toa Payoh
  • Went Guan Yin Temple
  • Went some master to appease ancestors, wishing for good luck


My wife still determined. However, I am losing hope due to our age and the amount of money spent and time taken. Also, the pain she has to endure when preparing egg retrieval needs to self jab. We are just middle-income earners, not holding senior positions in our job.

After the failed first cycle frozen cycle she mentioned adoption. I am strongly reluctant, rather be childless than adopt. She says wants a girl to look after us when we old. My wife is a single kid, parents are overseas. Here only a handful of friends and colleagues. Doesn't socialize a lot due to us being childless.

Am now also afraid to go friend's gathering, CNY, baby 1 month/ 1 year ...
Ur cousin just got baby right? Got 满月 anot? If yes can get red eggs from them and eat.

and for me, I went to ask my parents who went to Japan to get an omamori (you know those good luck charms) for pregnancy and put it next to my bed. I got pregnant in a month or so. Its still at my bedside lol.
 

Eighty7

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Personally I understand the infertility issue here. Trust me, the last helpful thing is to tell a person to get this and get that and hope to get pregnant . Or eat this or that, or take a break and relax go holiday and when you never expect , a baby may appear. This is rubbish. Don’t give false hope.

When one is infertile, they get desperate and will do all and whatever it takes to get pregnant. See a doc and assess the condition , if IVF failed once. try again , if it fails again . Then try again if money is no objection; you would be allowed to do genetic testing on the embryos as you had recurrent failures / miscarriage.

IVF is not as simple as what it seems to be. For those who don’t know , until the day the baby is born , you will be worried daily. You worry on
1. Enough eggs / Sperm
2. How many fertilized
3. How many developed to blastocyst
4. Did it implant during 2WW
5. Did it survive the thawing process
6. Will you reach the end of first tri without a missed miscarriage
7. during the scan will there be heartbeat
8. Will it be an empty sac
9. Will it be a healthy baby


There are 101 worries in a IVF patient journey. It’s not easy and if can I wanna tell everyone . Don’t ever ask anyone when are they having kids, or why they didn’t have kids.

Some are by choices ; some are infertile and they’re hurting deeply. So please don’t add on to their misery. They have kids or not it doesn’t matter or affect you so pls don’t ask them this question
 

catwhisperer

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Sometimes we start off just wanting to be parents, but eventually get so caught up in the process that it becomes an obsession to procreate.

To get it out of the way - there is a book called "It Starts with the Egg: How the Science of Egg Quality Can Help You Get Pregnant Naturally, Prevent Miscarriage, and Improve Your Odds in IVF " that you can read on how to boost your chances at the next IVF round. The high protein, low carb diet works to boost egg health.

I would say there is nothing wrong with avoiding social events relating to friends' social events for their children. It's not a big deal and your friends will understand. At most give an angbao or well wishes.

I wish you all the best.
 

qhong61

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Very demoralized seeking solace here


Dear All,

Posting my thread here as the audience is mature and some may even go through the pain and suffering like us.


About us.

A couple close to 40, wife few years old than me.

Married for 7 years and still trying a baby.

Did IUI, failed

Wife had miscarriage 9 weeks this via natural

The first IVF cycle did fresh at KKH, failed

Then we try frozen at KKH, failed

Just completed her second IVF eggs retrieval.

My wife had mild OHSS, was suffering, too unwell to do the implant, earliest also 2 months later.


Just this month had few people close to me all having good news.

  1. Cousin had a second kid, son.
  2. Cousin had 5th kid.
  3. Best Friend became a father today

Everyone having good news except us. Am feeling very demoralized:

What we already did

  • Acupuncture
  • TCM herbs
  • House fengshui seen x2.
  • Went Catholic Church
  • Went Shuang Lin Temple at Toa Payoh
  • Went Guan Yin Temple
  • Went some master to appease ancestors, wishing for good luck


My wife still determined. However, I am losing hope due to our age and the amount of money spent and time taken. Also, the pain she has to endure when preparing egg retrieval needs to self jab. We are just middle-income earners, not holding senior positions in our job.

After the failed first cycle frozen cycle she mentioned adoption. I am strongly reluctant, rather be childless than adopt. She says wants a girl to look after us when we old. My wife is a single kid, parents are overseas. Here only a handful of friends and colleagues. Doesn't socialize a lot due to us being childless.

Am now also afraid to go friend's gathering, CNY, baby 1 month/ 1 year ...
Should consider adoption if she wants and provided u are not totally against. Good to have to accompany us for medical appt and others when we are old. U won't know if u will be around for her then.
 

eflash

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well... my mom advised me not to try for pregnancy again so soon after miscarriage.
I do understand for your case, that time is a huge factor and pressure...

what did the doc advise?
still continue IVF? or can try naturally for time being if not going for IVF anytime soon?

if try naturally... try sperm friendly lubricant (I tried sasmar conceive plus)? Enjoyable sex normally have higher chance of conception
exercise, eat healthily, take supplements (not just the wife, but the husband too)

don't have sex everyday... but during fertile period maybe space out 3x
It gets crazy every time you have hope then lost hope... maybe even more so for your wife.
 

hyperfuse

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Personally I understand the infertility issue here. Trust me, the last helpful thing is to tell a person to get this and get that and hope to get pregnant . Or eat this or that, or take a break and relax go holiday and when you never expect , a baby may appear. This is rubbish. Don’t give false hope.

When one is infertile, they get desperate and will do all and whatever it takes to get pregnant. See a doc and assess the condition , if IVF failed once. try again , if it fails again . Then try again if money is no objection; you would be allowed to do genetic testing on the embryos as you had recurrent failures / miscarriage.

IVF is not as simple as what it seems to be. For those who don’t know , until the day the baby is born , you will be worried daily. You worry on
1. Enough eggs / Sperm
2. How many fertilized
3. How many developed to blastocyst
4. Did it implant during 2WW
5. Did it survive the thawing process
6. Will you reach the end of first tri without a missed miscarriage
7. during the scan will there be heartbeat
8. Will it be an empty sac
9. Will it be a healthy baby


There are 101 worries in a IVF patient journey. It’s not easy and if can I wanna tell everyone . Don’t ever ask anyone when are they having kids, or why they didn’t have kids.

Some are by choices ; some are infertile and they’re hurting deeply. So please don’t add on to their misery. They have kids or not it doesn’t matter or affect you so pls don’t ask them this question
i myself have 2 kids, but if me or wife is infertile, i wouldnt be "hurting deeply". I will take it in my stride, enjoy the sex life. Its nothing to be ashamed or sad over.

Only those who have kids will know the sacrifice you make in the early years of the child and the struggle is real. Sometimes i really envy those that are without kids...they have the freedom to do anything.
 
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