Q for guys who are married

Staid4

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Marriage was the biggest mistake of my life,

Unless you use it to pay less taxes and/or any benefits unrelated to a relationship (to add value to both) then avoid it or do a proper prenup to ease out divorce.

A relationship / companionship / partnership does not need an outdated legal document (marriage is so last millennial) to make it work.

In most of the cases it will only make you unhappier , brings you unnecessary burden of assumed responsibility.

You can still live a wonderful fulfilling life without marrying , do a ceremony if you like the party part of it and share the love with friends and family but dont tie yourself into legal binding medieval ****.

(context: mid 30s westerner, selfmade highly successful expat in singapore, wanted to share my happiness with a partner and thought marrying would prove my good intentions. I am into giving and not taking advantage of marriage, still it totally destroyed my life... please don't repeat my error. I didn't chose the wrong partner, marriage turned the right partner into a living nightmare)

Focus on yourself, give more than expect to receive , never stop learning and have fun surrounded by people you love. People come and go , legally binding documents will **** you up. Remember that when people have nothing to lose they'll turn into beasts.
I agree so much with the last sentence..

When people have nothing or should I add, everything to lose, they turn into beast.
 

louisoh

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If u dun wanna haf kids... I dun c a point to get married. Of Cox if there is a ger tat u truly love and wanna spend the rest of ur life wif.. Then marry lo.

Otherwise, married or nt married.. Wats the Diff? Maybe is juz security for the ger ba.. In case u piak n go.. Lol.

As long as a man got money.. No need scare no ger companionship I guess.
 

Staid4

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If u dun wanna haf kids... I dun c a point to get married. Of Cox if there is a ger tat u truly love and wanna spend the rest of ur life wif.. Then marry lo.

Otherwise, married or nt married.. Wats the Diff? Maybe is juz security for the ger ba.. In case u piak n go.. Lol.

As long as a man got money.. No need scare no ger companionship I guess.
Age old truth isn't it
 

straweffigy

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Marriage was the biggest mistake of my life,

Unless you use it to pay less taxes and/or any benefits unrelated to a relationship (to add value to both) then avoid it or do a proper prenup to ease out divorce.

A relationship / companionship / partnership does not need an outdated legal document (marriage is so last millennial) to make it work.

In most of the cases it will only make you unhappier , brings you unnecessary burden of assumed responsibility.

You can still live a wonderful fulfilling life without marrying , do a ceremony if you like the party part of it and share the love with friends and family but dont tie yourself into legal binding medieval ****.

(context: mid 30s westerner, selfmade highly successful expat in singapore, wanted to share my happiness with a partner and thought marrying would prove my good intentions. I am into giving and not taking advantage of marriage, still it totally destroyed my life... please don't repeat my error. I didn't chose the wrong partner, marriage turned the right partner into a living nightmare)

Focus on yourself, give more than expect to receive , never stop learning and have fun surrounded by people you love. People come and go , legally binding documents will **** you up. Remember that when people have nothing to lose they'll turn into beasts.

Are you the soccer player which the wife had r/s with the emcee friend one?

If not, do share how you didn’t choose the wrong partner but marriage turned her into a living nightmare.
 

conure

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observe how your other half treats her enemies, or just about anyone whom she doesn't like or feel threatened by. that's the face of your enemy when the tide turns against you. works for both sexes.
 
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Can share your story? How did she fugged u up?

explain more pls on how your ex wife evolved.

you amdk some more siol, why scared?

"you amdk some more siol, why scared?"

I can withstand my errors without heading into any mental breakdown , I'll walk through hell and get out of it... My past struggles created a mentally stable , resourceful , resolute and resilient person...
I'm not salty either, I move on and over easily. But sure I was disappointed and heart breaks are always sad but when you put the marriage burden on it it will turn into the worst experience of your life.
That's why I want you guys and gals to be cautious, marriage is not something you need and will not make anything better.

I don't have time to write it up now but can point out some critical points that you should consider (in no particular order)

These are points that I considered common sense but I still overlooked them....
  • Jealousy : not compatible with relationships, not even in small doses
  • Independence : You might feel great providing for your family , but can you partner be independent enough when something bad happens with you and take over your spot ? Instead of bailing out when you'll need them most ?
  • Red Flags : when you are blinded by love you'll miss all of them (which is the magic of it) but entering into a marriage you just need to take time to review your partner attitude towards trivial situations.
    • examples would be cultural drifts, how you approach solving a problem together, how much minor inconveniences shift your partner attitude towards you, can you find agreement in the middle, do you understand that no-one has to be right or wrong ?
    • life is full of the unexpected , pair with someone ready to fight it WITH YOU, that will not slow you down.
  • Patience: this is key and will show you if the red flags can be accepted and accommodated into your relationship. There is no lack of people that would love to take care of you and be patient with all your faults...
    • example : I might sound passive aggressive sometimes, someone that cannot deal with these traits will NEVER be able to understand your best intentions.
  • Common goals , your drive to be better: Are you both rowing on same direction ?
    • Nothing destroys successful and happy people more than a shallow partner that is not interested in your life goals / participates on them. Or that have none of their own that you can enhance.
    • Where are you creating value ? It's not because you can pop up a child together that your lives will be meaningful...
  • Ability to read each-other silently : the assumption that "I'm the extrovert and he/she is an introvert so we will complement each-other" is totally wrong as well as any related way of thinking.
    • The key to a relationship is ANTICIPATION.
    • and if someone goes out of their way to make you happy , grab them and love them the same :)
  • Trust : do you blindly trust your partner ? great , is it reciprocal ? if not , forget about marriage and kids... you might be in the journey to achieve that level of trust , it can wait till then (if it ever happens)
  • Prenup : IT DOES NOT MEAN YOU DON'T TRUST EACH OTHER !!! ITS A SAFE CUSHION for when anything goes wary , and there is always 50% change it can go down really ugly.
    • If your partner has any objections towards it please rethink and reassess their intentions ASAP.

I could go on , but without telling you my story you can assume that most of these points failed to me in one way or another. I took a lot of risks and you should too but have these topics in mind... there is no blueprint for happiness.

explain more pls on how your ex wife evolved.

It evolved from a bucket of red flags to a trash-dump on fire of red flags with a marriage certificate (without prenup) for manipulation (at least she tried lol)

I wish you well punks :D
 

ramlee

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having kids or not is a choice... no right or wrong, in fact I have many friends who prefer not to have kids too

why must go around telling ppl have kids is normal, is good etc
misery loves company :(
 

straweffigy

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People change faster than you change your underwear ...

Can I know if:

You both stayed together for awhile before marriage?

Or travelled together extensively before marriage?

Or actually trashed out all the future goals & plannings at all.

From your lengthy reply to another user, sounds like she didn’t change, more like you didn’t know her as well as you thought you did
 
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Can I know if:

You both stayed together for awhile before marriage?

Or travelled together extensively before marriage?

Or actually trashed out all the future goals & plannings at all.

From your lengthy reply to another user, sounds like she didn’t change, more like you didn’t know her as well as you thought you did

we lived together before, we travelled around the world, because we met in my 30s I already had my life plans going on with great pace.
without going into much detail any women(or men/whatever you identify with) would sign off to be part of them...
my partner wanted to be part of them as a spectator, had simple life goals (which is fine) but put no effort even to achieve hers.
which until this point is still valid in my books...
The main problem is that her daily attitude and way of living (zero effort) turned into slowing down my pace, making me frustrated, wasting my precious time (not even using my time for her benefit)
I invested so much for her to find her purpose and she just threw it all away. I was not even able to drag her forward. She turned into a self-destructive person and tried to take me down with her.
My plans and my good intentions towards sharing my happiness continue sailing. I'm still open to help her whoever she needs , I don't hold any grudges nor I'm vengeful for what happened. It was just a waste exponentially turned worst by marriage. (unnecessarily)


From your lengthy reply to another user, sounds like she didn’t change, more like you didn’t know her as well as you thought you did

I can agree with that , you only truly know someone when a major struggle needs work and effort from both.
Which in a ideal life of fun and happiness (before a pandemic hits and world turns into crap) is hard to assess correctly
 

straweffigy

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we lived together before, we travelled around the world, because we met in my 30s I already had my life plans going on with great pace.
without going into much detail any women(or men/whatever you identify with) would sign off to be part of them...
my partner wanted to be part of them as a spectator, had simple life goals (which is fine) but put no effort even to achieve hers.
which until this point is still valid in my books...
The main problem is that her daily attitude and way of living (zero effort) turned into slowing down my pace, making me frustrated, wasting my precious time (not even using my time for her benefit)
I invested so much for her to find her purpose and she just threw it all away. I was not even able to drag her forward. She turned into a self-destructive person and tried to take me down with her.
My plans and my good intentions towards sharing my happiness continue sailing. I'm still open to help her whoever she needs , I don't hold any grudges nor I'm vengeful for what happened. It was just a waste exponentially turned worst by marriage. (unnecessarily)




I can agree with that , you only truly know someone when a major struggle needs work and effort from both.
Which in a ideal life of fun and happiness (before a pandemic hits and world turns into crap) is hard to assess correctly

I hope things get better for you soon if it hasn’t.

I always believe in going through thick & thin (several times) together b4 marriage, to see if the partner is worth it, or the one I trust to build the rest of my life with. Having a lot of downs before my 30s was a blessing in disguise for me.

Don’t let one lady skew your opinion towards marriage. The system is biased (in SG) but not at fault for your marriage’s demise.
 

Staid4

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"you amdk some more siol, why scared?"

I can withstand my errors without heading into any mental breakdown , I'll walk through hell and get out of it... My past struggles created a mentally stable , resourceful , resolute and resilient person...
I'm not salty either, I move on and over easily. But sure I was disappointed and heart breaks are always sad but when you put the marriage burden on it it will turn into the worst experience of your life.
That's why I want you guys and gals to be cautious, marriage is not something you need and will not make anything better.

I don't have time to write it up now but can point out some critical points that you should consider (in no particular order)

These are points that I considered common sense but I still overlooked them....
  • Jealousy : not compatible with relationships, not even in small doses
  • Independence : You might feel great providing for your family , but can you partner be independent enough when something bad happens with you and take over your spot ? Instead of bailing out when you'll need them most ?
  • Red Flags : when you are blinded by love you'll miss all of them (which is the magic of it) but entering into a marriage you just need to take time to review your partner attitude towards trivial situations.
    • examples would be cultural drifts, how you approach solving a problem together, how much minor inconveniences shift your partner attitude towards you, can you find agreement in the middle, do you understand that no-one has to be right or wrong ?
    • life is full of the unexpected , pair with someone ready to fight it WITH YOU, that will not slow you down.
  • Patience: this is key and will show you if the red flags can be accepted and accommodated into your relationship. There is no lack of people that would love to take care of you and be patient with all your faults...
    • example : I might sound passive aggressive sometimes, someone that cannot deal with these traits will NEVER be able to understand your best intentions.
  • Common goals , your drive to be better: Are you both rowing on same direction ?
    • Nothing destroys successful and happy people more than a shallow partner that is not interested in your life goals / participates on them. Or that have none of their own that you can enhance.
    • Where are you creating value ? It's not because you can pop up a child together that your lives will be meaningful...
  • Ability to read each-other silently : the assumption that "I'm the extrovert and he/she is an introvert so we will complement each-other" is totally wrong as well as any related way of thinking.
    • The key to a relationship is ANTICIPATION.
    • and if someone goes out of their way to make you happy , grab them and love them the same :)
  • Trust : do you blindly trust your partner ? great , is it reciprocal ? if not , forget about marriage and kids... you might be in the journey to achieve that level of trust , it can wait till then (if it ever happens)
  • Prenup : IT DOES NOT MEAN YOU DON'T TRUST EACH OTHER !!! ITS A SAFE CUSHION for when anything goes wary , and there is always 50% change it can go down really ugly.
    • If your partner has any objections towards it please rethink and reassess their intentions ASAP.

I could go on , but without telling you my story you can assume that most of these points failed to me in one way or another. I took a lot of risks and you should too but have these topics in mind... there is no blueprint for happiness.



It evolved from a bucket of red flags to a trash-dump on fire of red flags with a marriage certificate (without prenup) for manipulation (at least she tried lol)

I wish you well punks :D

I can agree with you in general and wouldn't harp on the little details.

My experience tells me and for me, it still isn't the worst if she doesn't put on effort. It is the worst when she blames you for everything else even if you are doing it all right and still never reflect on her own action (something women are very good at).

Thats why sometimes I feel the bible version of Adam and eve had its truth. Men often can lead a well and balance life until a woman come in and topple everything correct.

So i suppose you've lost half of your asset etc now to her?
 
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I can agree with you in general and wouldn't harp on the little details.

My experience tells me and for me, it still isn't the worst if she doesn't put on effort. It is the worst when she blames you for everything else even if you are doing it all right and still never reflect on her own action (something women are very good at).

Thats why sometimes I feel the bible version of Adam and eve had its truth. Men often can lead a well and balance life until a woman come in and topple everything correct.

So i suppose you've lost half of your asset etc now to her?

My experience tells me and for me, it still isn't the worst if she doesn't put on effort. It is the worst when she blames you for everything else even if you are doing it all right and still never reflect on her own action (something women are very good at).
Yes you're spot on here.

Remember that we can do everything right and still fail.

No.. i didn't lose any significant assets but lost something more valuable than any asset.. health (mental health) and time

I caught her on the good part of the chaos rollercoaster slope and signed a friendly deed of separation to make any contest on divorce impossible.

;)
 

Staid4

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Yes you're spot on here.

Remember that we can do everything right and still fail.

No.. i didn't lose any significant assets but lost something more valuable than any asset.. health (mental health) and time

I caught her on the good part of the chaos rollercoaster slope and signed a friendly deed of separation to make any contest on divorce impossible.

;)

Firstly, it sucked on the mental health part. I too have lost health even start balding (now recovering) being through tough relationship.

It'd get better... give yourself time for convalescence.

2ndly i think it's smart of you to retreat and do damage control ending with a personal quiet win.
 

Techno Pride

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we lived together before, we travelled around the world, because we met in my 30s I already had my life plans going on with great pace.
without going into much detail any women(or men/whatever you identify with) would sign off to be part of them...
my partner wanted to be part of them as a spectator, had simple life goals (which is fine) but put no effort even to achieve hers.
which until this point is still valid in my books...
The main problem is that her daily attitude and way of living (zero effort) turned into slowing down my pace, making me frustrated, wasting my precious time (not even using my time for her benefit)
I invested so much for her to find her purpose and she just threw it all away. I was not even able to drag her forward. She turned into a self-destructive person and tried to take me down with her.
My plans and my good intentions towards sharing my happiness continue sailing. I'm still open to help her whoever she needs , I don't hold any grudges nor I'm vengeful for what happened. It was just a waste exponentially turned worst by marriage. (unnecessarily)




I can agree with that , you only truly know someone when a major struggle needs work and effort from both.
Which in a ideal life of fun and happiness (before a pandemic hits and world turns into crap) is hard to assess correctly

All of us have only 24 hours a day, nothing more nothing less. Every minute you spend on her is a minute less that you have for someone else who's more worthy. Just saying.
 

stewpig

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Does your wife actually bring any value to your life except sex and having children?

:( one problem for me always falling out of relationship is I find the girl I'm dating doesn't put value into my life except sex. Some even need me to service like dead fish. Makes me wonder sometime if this is normal for men in a married life?

Do you have to make all the decision... Be the main breadwinner and yet have to take care of wife who expects you to tell her everything is all right when she gets emotional?
Its much worse.

They dont add value is good enough.

Whats more likely is they suck the value out of you
 

Staid4

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Its much worse.

They dont add value is good enough.

Whats more likely is they suck the value out of you
This is exactly what i have problem with.

It is enduring for me to know if marriage to a man is all about spending his money, effort and energy to take care of a woman simply so she can give birth to his offspring.

And if money, effort and energy is not enough, he has to randomly tank her emotional outburst, unreasonable wants and requests some of which is impossible to reach. And when this happen, she sneer at you for being useless.

It's like a man "love" a woman... coax and dotes her... but in the end she asks for the moon... and then says you're wrong and lousy for not being able to bring the moon to her.

So what's the value she brings for the man?
 
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