BoOkInToBoOkOuT
Junior Member
- Joined
- May 10, 2019
- Messages
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It's been too long, and I need help.
I came from overseas just to serve NS, and the timing at which the called me to come, without being able to defer, was 5 days before a main exam that I had been studying for years to get into my dream job scope. I had toiled and sacrificed myself to get there, but I was called immediately for medical back to SG, and so I missed my shot.
Still no choice, so I came here and finished my medical. After which I waited close to *7 months* for my enlistment date. My dad used to call CMPB every other week to ask when I'd get enlisted and they'd always reply we'll get back to you.
Even after all this waste of time and stress for me, I somehow managed to enlist, finish PTP BMT but not in a great way. I realized I couldn't stay in camp or actually find recluse in army activities. I was told then that if I didn't pull through BMT I had to stay back there. So I just carried on to do the least possible to stay afloat and complete it.
Like the rest of the company, I was supposed to go to some non-combat vocation, given my disgusting fitness and no interest towards such stuff. Funny how the fittest of guys and those into army stuff didn't go to combat vocations, but I ended up in Guards.
Like I did for enlistment, I went with an open mind. But after a few weeks I started suffering. I started thinking about my future, and how there was no concrete way to achieve my goals. I kept thinking about all the freedom I'd lost. And the camp environment and bunk and all started making me paranoid and reminding me of the time where I was in a hostel in my home country and I attempted suicide because of depression. All that started taking tolls on me.
Besides all of my company mates were mono-intake, predominantly local bred Singaporeans, so I was looked differently as is. I couldn't gel with them and was always alone, except for their customary greetings here and there. I had an injury around that time, and I utilized it to get quite a lot of MC. And after I couldn't, I had no choice but to spend a few weeks as a normal soldier, but once I got back I couldn't take it no more.
By this time I had bad sleep patterns that I couldn't change, because the whole night flashbacks and thoughts and failures keep running though my mind. I keep tossing around my bed and staring at the ceiling. I get throbbing headaches and even if I doze off near to 2-3am, I would wake up in a start almost immediately sweating. I finally decided to go see my MO about it.
He was not welcoming. He chided me, denoted me as weak, and said I could pull through if I wanted to. It was as if he wasn't listening at all. Then he asked me if I was suicidal. I thought about it, and at that time I really didn't want to kill myself. Sick of my life yes, but not enough to kill myself. "Not suicidal should be OK, I don't think you're depressed" is all he said, before dismissing me with no status.
But I was hitting rock bottom in my life. My mind was reeling and every night I was in camp I would be completely awake. Completely. I went to IMH A&E, they listened to me, and gave me a memo along with 7 day MC. The memo said severe adjustment disorder, refer to ***, excuse firearms and suggest change vocation/camp. It was completely disregarded by the MO, except for a 84 day excuse firearm status. The least he could have done was to refer me to ***.
After a while, when I saw no action was being taken to help me. My PCs kept interviewing me, asking me, one to one and also the OC was kept on loop. I kept telling them how I was losing myself and my sanity just by staying in that camp. That I was not physically or mentally capable of this. I requested closure, help, to help me able to finish NS in another vocation that wouldn't drive me off the edge. They didn't even bother.
They brought in a 'defense psychologist', who said my best move was to cancel my PR and stop NS like wtf.
What they were more interested in was to restrict my MCs. I went to IMH AGAIN, and a similar memo was given. This time the MO said 'Aiyah same thing ah', and that was it. But the counsellor I saw gave me a senior psychologist appointment, which is next week. All my hopes that a difference might happen is all hanging on the single thread of that appointment. If the MO disregards that I swear to God I'll kill myself because even spending one night in that camp is enough to emotionally and mentally kill me.
The days I'm inside I am stuck doing meaningless tasks which I do not see the point in. I do not have any sort of drive whatsoever to keep me going anymore. My life ambitions have been lost, ruined, become unattainable. The urge to just take the easy way out is coming back to me like it did before. The last time I was emotional nally drained and drunk, but now I'm sure I'd just lose my rationale and just give in.
I fear the night when I eventually have to 'sleep' - the fact that I will eventually wake up to the another day in this system, and that I'm stuck and bound and gagged in this endless loop not getting out anytime soon. It has gotten to the point where sometimes out of nowhere in night, I just lose it mentally and tears start to fall, and I start talking to myself. I don't know what I've become or am becoming, from the man I was and proud of. He's dead. And it looks like right now there's no way out for me either.
Appreciate those who've went through the long ass **** I've posted, and thank you.
I came from overseas just to serve NS, and the timing at which the called me to come, without being able to defer, was 5 days before a main exam that I had been studying for years to get into my dream job scope. I had toiled and sacrificed myself to get there, but I was called immediately for medical back to SG, and so I missed my shot.
Still no choice, so I came here and finished my medical. After which I waited close to *7 months* for my enlistment date. My dad used to call CMPB every other week to ask when I'd get enlisted and they'd always reply we'll get back to you.
Even after all this waste of time and stress for me, I somehow managed to enlist, finish PTP BMT but not in a great way. I realized I couldn't stay in camp or actually find recluse in army activities. I was told then that if I didn't pull through BMT I had to stay back there. So I just carried on to do the least possible to stay afloat and complete it.
Like the rest of the company, I was supposed to go to some non-combat vocation, given my disgusting fitness and no interest towards such stuff. Funny how the fittest of guys and those into army stuff didn't go to combat vocations, but I ended up in Guards.
Like I did for enlistment, I went with an open mind. But after a few weeks I started suffering. I started thinking about my future, and how there was no concrete way to achieve my goals. I kept thinking about all the freedom I'd lost. And the camp environment and bunk and all started making me paranoid and reminding me of the time where I was in a hostel in my home country and I attempted suicide because of depression. All that started taking tolls on me.
Besides all of my company mates were mono-intake, predominantly local bred Singaporeans, so I was looked differently as is. I couldn't gel with them and was always alone, except for their customary greetings here and there. I had an injury around that time, and I utilized it to get quite a lot of MC. And after I couldn't, I had no choice but to spend a few weeks as a normal soldier, but once I got back I couldn't take it no more.
By this time I had bad sleep patterns that I couldn't change, because the whole night flashbacks and thoughts and failures keep running though my mind. I keep tossing around my bed and staring at the ceiling. I get throbbing headaches and even if I doze off near to 2-3am, I would wake up in a start almost immediately sweating. I finally decided to go see my MO about it.
He was not welcoming. He chided me, denoted me as weak, and said I could pull through if I wanted to. It was as if he wasn't listening at all. Then he asked me if I was suicidal. I thought about it, and at that time I really didn't want to kill myself. Sick of my life yes, but not enough to kill myself. "Not suicidal should be OK, I don't think you're depressed" is all he said, before dismissing me with no status.
But I was hitting rock bottom in my life. My mind was reeling and every night I was in camp I would be completely awake. Completely. I went to IMH A&E, they listened to me, and gave me a memo along with 7 day MC. The memo said severe adjustment disorder, refer to ***, excuse firearms and suggest change vocation/camp. It was completely disregarded by the MO, except for a 84 day excuse firearm status. The least he could have done was to refer me to ***.
After a while, when I saw no action was being taken to help me. My PCs kept interviewing me, asking me, one to one and also the OC was kept on loop. I kept telling them how I was losing myself and my sanity just by staying in that camp. That I was not physically or mentally capable of this. I requested closure, help, to help me able to finish NS in another vocation that wouldn't drive me off the edge. They didn't even bother.
They brought in a 'defense psychologist', who said my best move was to cancel my PR and stop NS like wtf.
What they were more interested in was to restrict my MCs. I went to IMH AGAIN, and a similar memo was given. This time the MO said 'Aiyah same thing ah', and that was it. But the counsellor I saw gave me a senior psychologist appointment, which is next week. All my hopes that a difference might happen is all hanging on the single thread of that appointment. If the MO disregards that I swear to God I'll kill myself because even spending one night in that camp is enough to emotionally and mentally kill me.
The days I'm inside I am stuck doing meaningless tasks which I do not see the point in. I do not have any sort of drive whatsoever to keep me going anymore. My life ambitions have been lost, ruined, become unattainable. The urge to just take the easy way out is coming back to me like it did before. The last time I was emotional nally drained and drunk, but now I'm sure I'd just lose my rationale and just give in.
I fear the night when I eventually have to 'sleep' - the fact that I will eventually wake up to the another day in this system, and that I'm stuck and bound and gagged in this endless loop not getting out anytime soon. It has gotten to the point where sometimes out of nowhere in night, I just lose it mentally and tears start to fall, and I start talking to myself. I don't know what I've become or am becoming, from the man I was and proud of. He's dead. And it looks like right now there's no way out for me either.
Appreciate those who've went through the long ass **** I've posted, and thank you.
