plaingrain
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If I were a contemplative, I am one who is dull and exceedingly stupid.“As for the fourth… There is the case where a certain contemplative or brahman is dull & exceedingly stupid. Out of dullness & exceeding stupidity, he—being asked questions regarding this or that—resorts to verbal contortions, to eel-wriggling: “If you ask me if there exists another world [after death], if I thought that there exists another world, would I declare that to you? I don’t think so. I don’t think in that way. I don’t think otherwise. I don’t think not. I don’t think not not. If you asked me if there isn’t another world… both is & isn’t… neither is nor isn’t… if there are beings who wander on… if there aren’t… both are & aren’t… neither are nor aren’t… if the Tathāgata exists after death… doesn’t exist after death… both exists & doesn’t exist after death… neither exists nor doesn’t exist after death, would I declare that to you? I don’t think so. I don’t think in that way. I don’t think otherwise. I don’t think not. I don’t think not not.’” — DN 1
The problem with me is that I don't think! Throughout my career since graduating from university, I found that people tend to think too much, people like to analyse and overthink things, thereby complicating matters so unnecessarily that cognition becomes an obstacle and an obstruction.
When I was much younger, I used to admire intellectuals and those who are good at strategising, for instance I used to love Zhuge Liang from the Three Kingdoms era because history painted him in such a positive light, showering praise over his apparent wit and wisdom at fighting wars and prophecising the future. Yet, as I age, I started to discover that if one uses his volitions all the time to win wars and killing enemies, there's nothing really compassionate about such an individual after all. So as time passes, I ridicule military folks like Zhuge Liang because I see nothing that smart about him after all, and I no longer hold him in much esteem.
I studied and scrutinised my father and mother over the years as I age, and I realised deeply within myself that even though they are hardly educated, there is a lot of kindness and compassion coming from them towards me as an only son. I also saw their love for the world, they might be of low statuses in life, but they do their best to sustain the family and give me a proper home, I discovered gratitude through them, and I was able thanks to their efforts to be a better Buddhist and a better person as a result. I never became an overachiever, but I learned what piety was because of my parents showing me the right way, and I am deeply appreciative of them.
I am still dull and exceedingly stupid as I age, but I know how to be thankful to my parents, my elders, the Lord Buddha(s) and Bodhisattvas, and the world at large for showering me with all the tiny blessings in life. I never felt happier. That's even though I am still poor and wretched, but I feel that the world doesn't owe me a living, and I am content with what I have instead of whining over what I lost.
唵,缽囉末鄰陀寧,娑婆訶。 ōng,bō là mò lín tuó níng,suō pó hē。