Her stories

[his_stories]

Her stories


Part 1 – Army Daze

The first day I met Lisa was when Freddy invited us to his dad’s condominium for a game of squash. Freddy’s dad is a businessman, and he was very rich (still is). That very day, I had wanted to catch up on my sleep after coming back from the overseas military exercise. After the torturous and hellish training in one of the most desert like place in this region, I had only wanted to recuperate on my bed and nurse my sunburned and tortured body back to health. But that day was special. Freddy called me to say that he had invited a girl he met from his church to a game of squash. It was that day when I first met her.

It was drizzling when I alighted at the bus-stop near Freddy’s home. I saw Freddy walking with this girl back to his home. She wore a pair of short tennis skirt and was holding a squash racket. I managed to catch up with them shortly and I was introduced to her. She was 18 years old then and I was a year older. Needless to say, my good friend Freddy always has a keen eye for girls – the girls he fancied are always good looking. And of course, she was beautiful. She has a lovely and girlish yet charming voice. Her skin was fair and she wore soft long hair. I find myself attracted to her – but there was a problem – she was already attached to a guy from NTI (now NTU). That guy was 2-3 years older than me. Besides, Freddy said that she is just a normal friend of his but I suspected that Freddy might actually be interested in her but I was not sure then.

Nevertheless at that time I decided not to come in between them as I thought I have no chance with her at all. I could only admire her from a distant. She was quickly inducted into our clique as “the little sister” as she was younger than us. And whenever our group hung out – in Marina Square or Raffles City Shopping Centre, Centrepoint – she was always invited. Little by little I found myself thinking of her very often.

A few weeks later, I was to “graduate” from SAFTI. It was a hard earned moment for me. Nine months of hellish and compressed training, inhuman punishment and weeks of POP rehearsals were finally over and we were to get our “one bar”. Damn it – had I learnt that it was such a long and painful journey I might want to “keng” to drop out of the course. But as usual the more challenging and tougher things are, the more stubborn I will be. And I will strive harder to achieve it. But I am not sure if I would hold on or cherish the things when I finally get it. Or with the people I am with.

My family came to witness and celebrate this occasion at SAFTI with me. It was a tearful moment as I felt moved and loved by my family – they had bothered to come over to this extreme west part of the country to celebrate this escape from hell with me. During the final moments when we slow marched up the stairs passing the crowds when Auld Lang Syne was played – emotion over took some of us and tears welled up in many of our eyes. Partly with joy of leaving the hellish place, partly sadness at leaving friends who went through hell and back with me. How odd – a good bye song in many sense as I learnt later.

It was at the end of the parade when I noticed that she was among in the crowd. She came with her best friend. Her best friend also had a brother who was “graduating” at the same time. I wasn’t sure if she is there to support her best friend or came to see me as I had mentioned to her a few weeks ago.

We have a few outings as a group where we would treat her as the “little sister”. She would sometimes bring her friends along. We lots of fun together – but we did not go on solo dates – at least not yet.


A few months later – I received a call from Freddy. He told me that he had a long talk with her and he had asked her this weird question – among the few of us in our clique – if she has to pick one of us as her boyfriend – who will it be? I had expected the answer to be Freddy of course – as he was the first one to meet her. He is pretty persistent and he is good with girls. I had always thought that she was “Freddy’s girl’, and had put the thought of us together out of my mind since Freddy was my friend even though I was beginning to like more and more. The answer from her surprised me

Freddy told me that she would pick me. I was pleasantly surprised and cautiously happy. Cautious because I am not sure if Freddy was joking with me and because I am not sure if Lisa really meant it. Freddy even asked if I was interested in her at all! I had always admired her from a distant as I suspected that Freddy might be interested in her as well. I asked Freddy if he is OK that I go after her – and he said he was not really interested in her – he has other targets in mind. I was happy – even though it was a “…IF you have to choose one of us…” I did not know how Freddy asked her that question – but I had to find out for myself if she really said that and really meant it. I dearly hoped that it was real.

After Freddy and I spoke, I thought for a long time. Is it right for me to call her and ask her about it? What is she laughed it off and said it was all a joke? What if she said it is real? And what about her boyfriend? I cannot wait any longer. The anxiety to find out was intense. I just had to know. I finally mustered enough courage to pick up the phone to call her.

“I hear from Freddy that he asked you a question. I just want to hear the answer from you directly,” I said.

“Oh. What is it?”

“He asked if you had to choose one of us to be your boyfriend – who would the lucky guy be?”

There was a momentary silence at the end of other end line. I think she must be shocked by my question.

“And he told me you would choose me. I just want to hear it from you. Is that true?”

“Well, I just answered him that way because I did not know you guys will take it so seriously. And he also said ‘if I HAD TO’.”

“I really like to know. And to hear from you directly. If you have to choose from one of us – who would he be?” There as a long pause. And then she started eliminating one by one until me.

“You really mean that?”

“But please do not read too much into this. Of all the eligible guys in the world, I was given only a few guys to choose from!” She protested.

“Yes I know. But do you really mean what you said?”

“Why must I answer you?”

“If you are not with your current boyfriend, will you choose me?” The clever me re-worded the question carefully

“Why do you ask all these questions?”

“Yes you do not have to answer all these questions. But the answers are important to me because I….”

“Yes?” My heart was pounding. I do not want to let her know that I actually like her because I was afraid that she will reject me. If I tell her the truth – what will her reaction be? Will we still be friends? Can we still go out as normal if she rejects me?

“Because I like you,” I blurted out.

That did it. The pause was like an eternity. A thousand thoughts raced through my mind. A lot of scenarios played out. Mostly the bad ones. Finally she responded.

“I do not know what to say or think now. We do not know each other well. As you know, I have a boyfriend now.”

So what does her reply mean? I still do not get it but I was a little happy as it is not an outright “no”. I consoled myself as she is not the first girl that I had said that to before and certainly not the first one who had rejected me.


For the next few months, I was afraid to go out for these group hang outs as I was afraid and embarrassed to see her as well. I was also afraid that she may have told Freddy what a stupid thing I did. I kept thinking about her and silently prayed that I did not jeopardize our relationship. Then one day, something happened.

Freddy told me that she had broken off with her NTI boyfriend a few weeks ago and she was very sad and down. I felt sorry for her and I was also hoping for a glimmer of hope. I asked her to meet me outside my army unit. She came and we had dinner at a nearby fast food restaurant. I do not know if that was the right time but I wanted console her and well, find out if she really like me at all as I was still thinking a lot about her.

“So how are you coping?” I asked.

“I am sad but not that sad. It has been a three weeks already.”

“Why? I thought both of you just broke up?”

“Well…it may be better this way. I do not think we are compatible.”

“Who initiated the break up?”

“I did. Our relationship has become platonic. You know, after almost a year. My mother was also pressing me to do it as she hated that guy.”

“Do you have to listen to your mother? You are 18 already!” I asked.

“She is a very good judge of character. And I really respect her opinion a lot. Besides, she has chosen a good man – my father. So who is to say she cannot judge a person well?”

That is right. I sense that she is not very sad. Just “disappointed”.

“Hey I just wanted to tell you something. Something from the bottom of my heart.”

“Yes?”

“I really want to apologize to you for blurting out what I said to you over the phone – that I like you. Because I really do and I meant it. I know now is not the best time to tell you this but I am afraid I will regret if I do not tell you how I feel right now. In person.”

“I am really sorry I cannot be in any relationship right now. I need to be alone for a while. I just broke off with him. I vowed to stay out of any relationship for 6 or 12 months and now is only end of the third week. How can I…”

“Alright. I do not expect any kind of positive response from you. I am ok. I sort of expected this but I just want to do what I felt I should do,” I try to manage a response.

“Thanks for you understanding.”

 

[his_stories]

She just smiled weakly and she said that she was confused – hence she does not want to start any relationship then. I moved my hand to touch hers but she withdrew hers. I was devastated. That night, I was very sad and I could not sleep. I had rejections before but none so bad and none made me so lost and sad.

I decided to write a letter to pour out my feelings to her. I just wanted to tell her my how I felt about her and how much I thought of her. I also want to tell her how sad I was when she said “no”.

I was so overfilled with sadness and emotion, and the words just flowed and flowed. When I finally finished writing, it was a ten page letter that “declared” my love for her and the sadness I felt in me in being rejected. In one particular sentence, I lamented that “…after so long I have found no one who love me…”. Well, it was just a rant but little did I know that sentence drew a response among the hundreds of words I wrote. If I knew earlier I would just keep my letter to only half a page.

In the following weekend, I received a postal letter from her. I opened the scented letter and read it slowly. As I read my heart began to pound and I felt warmth in my heart. In the end, my feelings soared. In it, she wrote “…do not ever say that no one ever like you because I do. I really do…”. She just wanted some time to think through things and she is not ready at that time. She also drew two very cute looking bears at the end of the letter hugging one another, and ended the letter with “With love, hugs and kisses”. No one signed off with that to me before.

I called her up immediately and asked to meet her at the same fast food restaurant near my camp. But this time the mood was different. It was like an impending admission of love to one another. There was this slight smile on our face that cannot be wiped away. I brought the love letter that she wrote along and she brought mine along too.

After a long awkward silence on the diner, I finally cannot hold it anymore.

“Did you really write that ten page letter?” She asked.

“I did. I stopped at 4am. I cannot sleep and I just wanted to tell you how I felt at that moment. I have a lot of inspiration at night,” I replied.

“I did not know I can draw such response…”

“Can you explain what do you mean by this…?” I pointed to the sentence that prompted me to meet her.

“I did not say I do not like you.”

“So you mean you like me?” I know I was pushing my luck but I had to know.

“Well I just want to take things slowly and not rush into it like my previous relationships. Each time I rush into one it always ended up in disaster. He was actually my second.”

I did not know she had two before me and I hope I would be number three. But it is also not that surprising as she is pretty and I was sure there were many guys who would want to be her boyfriend.

“So…will you be my girl friend? I mean after your ‘break’”

She did not say anything. She took my hand and wrote the words “Yes” on my palm and she smiled sweetly. It was the sweetest smile.

“It is a little bit dangerous being with me. You will soon find out,” she replied and continue her smile.

I do not know what she meant. It does not matter then. I do not care. It was late and I had to “book in” after sending her back.

From that day onwards – things changed slowly. My world changed. I am no longer the same person anymore. I am no longer that poor lonely soul. I called her every day for the next 1 week and I cannot wait for the next weekend to come.


That fateful day of 5 Nov finally come. And she was extra cheerful and happy. When I enquired further, she said that she had “emotionally recovered” and is ready to start a new relationship. And on that day, I held the hands of a girl for the first time. We went to Botanical Gardens on our first date as a couple. It was drizzling and we stopped at a shelter. We just sat there until dusk as the light rain has not eased. It was a romantic sight and a romantic evening.

We just started and I was afraid of saying or doing the wrong things that may jeopardize our relationship. She was my first girlfriend and I was not sure how fast or how slow we should proceed. I am not sure of what I should do on my first real date.

But as we talked and talked, she leaned slightly towards me. And I slowly put my hand over her shoulder. I felt the warmth of another human being so close to me. And softness of her body against mine. And the soft sweet scent of her hair and her wonderful perfume. It was a wonderful feeling. It was wonderful to hold another human so close to me.

At that moment all that mattered were just she and I. Nothing else. Both of us holding one another. I felt so elated that I could “conquer” the world. It marked the start of a journey in my life and in our lives too. This relationship starts the others - with its ups and downs, sweetness and bitterness. I felt that whatever her concerns were I want to take it as mine too. And I want to be there with her and hold her if she is down or sad. I like the new me. I like the “me” who finally care for another human being. I like the “me” who suddenly felt that I have to look out for another person – consider that person’s like and dislike in movie choices and dinner choices. Our lives inter-twined and it was like a pair of co-join twins. Whenever we went out, it was two of us. One not without the other.


It does not matter to me if she has been in a relationship before. It does not matter if I was not her first love. I just want to talk to her every day and see her as often as I could. It was almost as if my every waking moment was spent thinking about her or writing small notes to her which I will then pass to her and ask her to read it when she gets home.

It was also at that week I was posted to another department in the army to take up a new role. That new role allowed me a lot of free time. Those boring CO conferences allowed me to plan where we would go the coming date with her. From a grunt to a paper pusher – I have lots of time especially during the week day nights - from 6.00pm to 11.59pm as I was still in NSF.

In addition as I was posted to an operational unit and so I have some liberty except when I had to perform regimental duty. On our dates, we would explore places we never been to. I especially like the sea facing spots in Marina Square and Marina South. There were parks and of course, a lot of dark corners.


One day while we were alone in a park, we whispered the usual nothings. The conversations died down. Only the rustling of leaves and croaking insects can be heard. I looked into her eyes and she looked into mine. I moved a little closer and her eyes closed.

I was not sure if this is the signal to say “kiss me”. But I imagined it is like in the movies. Should I close my eyes too when I kiss? Where do I put my hand? Round her neck or back? I do not care. I just put my lips gently on hers. Her lips were soft. Her breadth light. A light touch at first. And then I stopped and moved back a little. Her eyes opened and she looked embarrassed.

“I do not know how to kiss. This is my first time I kissed someone. Can we try again?”

This time round I ventured further. A more prolonged kiss and slowly our tongues began to seek out one another.


Whenever we are sure that we were alone with no prying eyes, we would kiss and lock tongues. I had no idea how to French kiss except what I saw on TV and movies. But I pretended that I knew and well, it was awkward at first. But day by day and with practice – we improved. One day she told me that she enjoyed French kissing with me. I was not sure if she was comparing me to her ex-boyfriends or not. I do not care. Life was wonderful! Life could not be better for me!

At one time, my army buddy Daniel suggested that we go out for a movie together – sort of double date. He was very happy for me as we had been together since BMT until after SAFTI and he knew I was “looking” for love and had finally found love. He had encouraged me along and even taught me how to make those beautiful handicraft and cards which were perfect gifts for girls. His long time girl friend was Adeline and they had known each other since their days in JC. Daniel is a fantastic buddy who really taught me a lot. A true gentleman and a fine officer. And most of all, a good friend.


For her 19th birthday, I had promised her that I would bring her to a special place to celebrate – and I would only tell her on that day itself. I wanted to keep her in suspense. Sentosa had always strike me as a beautiful, mystical and romantic place. And it was an obvious choice for me. She wore a milky white dress which is a bit over kill but she did look pretty in it. We had a nice and romantic dinner and then later we rode on the monorail. We alighted at Siloso beach and it was around 8pm and the beach was almost deserted.

We walked over along the shores in the lagoon and we sat down – whispering, finding out more things about each other, our childhood, our likes and dislikes, our joys and fears. Finally I brought my present for her. Her favourite perfume, flowers and a beautiful self-made card. And also a cassette tape filled with love songs. There were 2 songs I like in particular – Especially for you and Yue Liang Dai Biao Wo De Xin by Teresa Tseng. The latter became our song. I do not listened to Mandarin pop and this was my first one. Strangely we both love the song because it was the theme song for one old Hong Kong movie starring Chow Yun Fatt and Cherie Chung. We both love the romantic movie and of course that theme song. And she was the one who taught me the lyrics and that night we sang the song together.

 

[his_stories]

She was very happy with my presents. We sat on the beach and before long, we were kissing and lying down. It did not matter if the sands were getting into her but we just hugged, kissed and rolled on the sandy beach. I was soon on top of her but she stopped me.

“I do not want to dirty my dress. My mother would ask.”

Damn. I should have brought my army ground sheet.


Soon after, her school term resumed and her examinations drew near. She had less time to see me then. During one of our less frequent day out, we went to the Marina Square the new hangout in town. After dinner we walked to the perimeter roof top garden surrounding it. We sat down behind some tall bushes and do our usual whispering of sweet nothings, holding each other and kissing. She was upset about something in school. So I just tried to console her and as we kissed, we ventured a little more. I tried to cheer her up but she was still very down. So I did what she said she liked. French kissing. But the prolonged French kissing turned me on. I slipped my hands under her red T-shirt. My hands explored places it never went before. Without asking her I unhooked it. She stopped kissing and her eyes opened wide and starred at me. Not wanting to hear what she as about to say I covered her lips with mine and continue to kiss her.

“No…..I….am…not…sure…..if….”

By this time my hands are already cupping her. The twin fawns of molten flesh were warm and soft. Her breathing became heavier and heavier. Her eyes closed and soon mine too. It was magical. It was fantastic. It was heaven. If everything in the world falls apart at that moment I will still want to hold on to her and continue what we were doing.

After a while and crossing that line, she leaned towards me and I hugged her. A long silence ensued. We do not have to say anything but we both felt our relationship advanced a step further and there was no turning back. We also felt closer and our love was stronger than ever. Finally it is time to go back.

“We gotta go now. I hate to say this but I have to send you back to the east and I will need to go back all the way to the western part of the island,” I told her. She was sad but what else can we do?

Our island may be small but taxi ride is not what we could afford. It was a good 2 hours on the road for me on public transport.

When I sent her back that night, her mood has changed. She was chatty and happy once again. In the lift on the way up to her apartment, we kissed again. It was like the lift scene in Fatal Attraction. The love was raw and wild. I was very sad when I had to say good bye at her door. Her mother was there at the door as usual and when she went back to her room, we stole a kiss at the door before she closed it. Sigh – like Cinderella, I had to be back by 2359 at my camp.


As her school work increased, she had less time for me. But whenever we met, we made it last and made it meaningful. I still called her everyday from the army camp using one of the office desk telephones – a secret privilege I had.

One day, a friend in the army told me that he saw me outside Paragon with a pretty girl. There was a Cold Storage there then. He said that we looked liked a very happy, perfect and blissful couple holding hands and enjoying ourselves. I hope he was right.

As our relationship progressed, our physical intimacy increased. On one outing we were in Marina South – sitting by the rocky shoreline and as usual we talked and kissed and engage in light petting. No one can see us as we chose a pretty secluded spot. The nearest couple was a distant away and blocked by some bushes – they were busy on their own. The kissing had turned us on.

“You made me hard you know. You aroused me!” I teased her. She giggled.

I placed her hand on there. And I asked her does she want to see it. She giggled again and I showed her. She stared at it with wide eyes and finally ventured to caress it carefully. It was like seeing a new fun toy for the first time.

“It is growing bigger and bigger! It is hard too,” she exclaimed.

“It is always this big? How uncomfortable it will be! How do you tuck it under your pants?” She asked.

“Normally it is soft and much smaller. But not right now in this situation”.

I guided her timid hand to feel its full length. Finally I felt how it was like to be groped. But I love it on the contrary.

“How does a guy do it?” She asked.

“Do what?” I asked. I just wanted to be sure I heard right and that she knows what she was asking.

“You know. DIY. The big M thing”. She was getting embarrassed.

I was all too pleased she asked. I showed her and before long, she was doing it for me and I pleaded her not to stop. She held it and finally kissed it. My hands were also finding its way all over her body and for the first time I slipped my hands under her skirt.

My fingers felt for her silky soft hair below and went deeper. It was moist and slippery. I explored places where I never been in my life again and I am not sure how to make her feel good.

“How does it feel?” I asked.

“Lower a bit”.

“Arrggh…it’s painful……gentle…..don’t put your finger in…..higher…..there….yes…there”

She guided my naughty fingers. Soon she was moaning very softly and her hands were also hard at work. I finally came.

We cleaned up and left the rocky shore. While walking slowly back, I suddenly tell her, “it is quite small now. You feel it?”

“Oh…so cute!” That was her reply. Not flattering at all.


During one of the special formal dinner at our army camp – we were invited to bring along our spouse or girlfriend to the special celebration. Daniel invited Adeline and I invited her. She looked stunning in that evening dress. Most of my army friends also invited their girlfriends and it was a great night. I introduced her to my bosses and army friends. I can sense that some of them were envious but hey, each has their time.

Everyone was relaxed that evening and we all drank and dance. It was a very special day for me as I showed off her to my world. The mood was merry and very good.

While the party was going on, we slipped out unnoticed and I brought her to show her my room and my office secretly and told her where I sat when I called her every night. We spent some quiet and private moments in the office. Kissing and caressing one another. Afraid that someone might walk in and that we had to get back to the party before someone realized we were missing or bump into camp security. It was a memorable night. It was one thing to have a girlfriend. It is another thing to introduce to your friends and people around you.


A few weeks later, she was having her examinations. Instead of dating in the usual shopping malls, we decided to meet up in her NTI campus. She introduced me to her friends and as most of them were still unattached – I can feel their eyes were green in envy. While she studied with her friends, I have nothing much to do. I just wandered around her campus and noticed quite a few cosy corners and secluded spots. When her friends left for home around evening time, I took her to the ideal spots for some cuddling and whispering of sweet nothings. She was a little conscious as it was her school.

We had dinner and stayed on her campus till night. I took her to the stairs and when I made sure no one was looking, we kissed and hugged and soon our hands are all over one another. Suddenly she stopped and asked me a strange question.

“Do you want me only for my body?”

“No. I want you – your whole person, and that includes your body. Why do you ask?”

“Do you think we are getting too physical too soon?” She asked.

“Not the way I see it. I call it progress.”


One day, we decided to go the only water theme park in town. It was in the east and it had this nice wave pool and long slides. I have never seen her in swimsuit before. So when she stepped out of the changing room, I was a little surprised and was embarrassed when she walked towards me as I noticed many pairs of eyes staring at her. Even though it is a normal 1 piece swim suit, her figure really shows and she was well endowed. I can even see a few men with kids watching her from the corners of their eyes. Pride swelled up in me.

We have a great time in the water theme park. It was great. I would never imagine that this water theme park can be fun until I was there with the one you love.


Nearing the Lunar New Year, we decided to go to the Chinese Garden since we are bored with trawling the usual shopping malls as we are not flush with cash to buy the stuff we passed by so many times.

Before meeting her, she told me over the phone that she wanted to give me a surprise. When she finally turned up, I was a little “shock”. I am not sure why – but she wore a funny looking red dress and worst of all, she permed her hair. I liked her old simple straight hair but she permed hers. That was the surprise. I know it is the New Year but somehow I think not everything red is nice. I was pretty direct and I told her the new hairdo does not look good on her. She was unhappy and spent the next few days going to a saloon to straighten her hair. That was before the time of rebonding. I am not sure what she told her mother or friends about this “do” and now “undo”.

 

[his_stories]

During the Lunar New Year, I brought her home and my parents saw her for the first time. It was not marriage time of course – it was just letting my parents see which girl their son is going out with as I was their only son. But a few weeks later, my mother told me something that struck me. My mother knew that we were both young and I was still serving NSF and I will be going to NUS soon. Being a traditional yet understanding mother that she was and still is - her advice to me was that if I am not going to be serious with this girl, then I should not waste the girl’s time (hey, what about mine?), then let her go. What she told me stayed in my heart and that changed my life soon.


I was going to complete my NSF soon and I had more free time. One night, she told me over the phone that one of her auntie showered together with her husband and she thought it was romantic and she wanted to experience that. So one weekday we went to her house while her parents were out working. Her sister was in the university hostel. It was a perfect chance. We drew the curtains and dead bolt the main door. We undressed quickly and walked naked across the living room to the bathroom. We held each other closely and for the first time I felt her whole body pressing hard against mine. Flesh to flesh, skin to skin. Her body was warm, smooth and soft too. We shampooed each other – top and bottom. It was exhilarating.

When the shower was over we went over to her bedroom we tried to do it on the floor as we were afraid of messing up her bed.

“Just remember to pull out when you are about to come ok?”

“Sure”. There is only one answer to that question for all guys in the world.

We did not venture very far. It was difficult to get into her as we were both inexperienced and honestly, there were no such thing as Internet, VCDs or DVDs then that we can learn from. Perhaps it was the lack of skill, or the fear that she would get pregnant, or the fear of being caught as her parents or her sister may come back anytime.

Most of my friends were nerds like me. After trying for a while, we gave up and we tried 69 position. It was easier. While she gave me BJ, I put my lips and tongue to good use too. Soon she was getting moist and aroused. Soon we both came and it was magical. We never felt so good. It was fantastic. We had wanted home run but 69 was easier and we agreed to leave that for later. The whole experience was unbelievable and memorable.


We tried to find opportunities to be totally alone but it was not easy. We have no money for hotel rooms and we do not know of hourly rates motels then.

There was once she came very early on a Saturday morning to my home. Everyone in my family was out except my dad who was still sleeping. We went to our bed and for the second time we tried it. Before I could make any headway, my dad woke up and I could hear him going to the toilet. That almost made me jumped out of my skin. We quickly dressed up and went out. That was a close shave.


Every Sunday morning, we would meet at a certain place at a fixed time. But one particular Sunday it was different. When she appeared, her hair was disheveled and her morning breath was evident. I was shocked that she looked that way.

“Are you ok? How long have you been waiting here?” I asked.

“I have been waiting for you for almost an hour. And of course I am ok. Where have you been last night?”

“Last night? No where. In bed at home. After talking with you I hung up the phone and slept later. I did not go anywhere,” I replied.

“But you called me at 3am. You were drunk at home when you called me. The guy sounded exactly like you. I did not believe at first until I use my the other line to call your house phone and guess what? The line is engaged at 3am and so that confirmed that your phone was being used at that time.”.

“It was definitely not me. And what did that guy say to you?”, I asked.

“You said on the phone that you were very sad and it was because I did not give myself to you. That was why you were sad and got drunk in the middle of the night,” she said.

“Firstly, I agree that I would like that to happen but I am ok with that. But I am sure I will not get myself drunk over something like that or call you in the middle of the night! Whoever called you is crazy,” I replied.

I saw no point arguing with her as she was really not making sense. Her sentences were sometimes incoherent. At that time, I thought she was hallucinating and conjuring up those conversations. However, it was true that she is one unique family who has 2 phone lines at home.

(It was 3-4 years later when I learnt from her that she told me that the incident was real and that she finally found out who was the one calling her but she refused to tell me who).


Some weeks later, something jolted our relationship. We were under Benjamin Shears Bridge when she held me round the waist tightly.

“You are mine. All mine. Forever,” she said softly while holding tightly.

For some guys, this may be assuring but it freaked me out totally. I knew I was in a relationship but I had not thought of being with her forever. It was not that I do not want to – but that I was not thinking about marriage at all at that time – with anyone or with her at that time. I was only 20 and I am about to start college in a few months and had not even finished my formal education. The “forever” really freaked me out. We were young then and I felt “trapped”.

My reaction was one that might have killed flame.

“The road is still long ahead. Let us be just contented to be with one another for now,” I replied.

She was shocked.

“I am not asking you to marry me or be with me forever. But is it too much to utter these words? Can’t I just express what I feel in my heart?” she retorted.

She was right. We are not talking about marriage but commitment is definitely not in my vocabulary at that young age. I was just over reacting. On hindsight, I realized my feelings were normal though I could have reacted in a more mature or re-assuring way.


Our last date and also the last time we did it was at a friend’s apartment. A close friend decided to let me have his apartment as he was living alone and his parents were always out of the country. We showered and as usual, we ended up in the 69 position again. It was also that day that cracks started to appear in our relationship. As my friend’s apartment was in the west and my army camp was also in the west, I decided for the first time to ask her to go back on her own as it was only 6.30pm as I need to book in early into camp that night for an important exercise preparation. She was cool and silent when she boarded the bus. She did not bid goodbye. I have no ride at that time and no money for cab as well.

That night when I called her – she was so cold and silent. When I asked her why, she said she was angry that I did not send her back. My reason was that it was still early and I have to traverse the full length the country twice just to send her back. Besides, our country is very safe. But she disagreed.

From that day onwards, our phone calls are always peppered with quarrels and streaks of silence. The cold war began and it became unbearable until one day, over the phone I suggested that we slow things down a bit and give each other some breathing space to think about everything again.


“Perhaps we should stop seeing each other for a while to think about how we want to go forward. If we are meant for one another, then we will come back stronger. Let us leave it to fate,” I suggested. I do not want to use the word “break up”.

“Why are you so cold to me now? You were not like that before. You never treat me this way before. No one ever treated me like this before,” she cried.

Her words shattered my hearts to a million pieces. I minced at what she said but I thought it was better for us to pause and search our hearts. We need to find out if we are truly in love or not.

“Instead of quarrelling or have nothing to say, why don’t we just cool down a bit by not seeing or calling each other that often? Let’s try for 1 week. Just 1 week.”


It was one of the most agonizing weeks in my life. Deep within me I wanted to see her and tell her I was selfish and uncaring. But the promise of 1 week of “cool down period” made me not to pick up the phone. She is someone who will really do what she said. If she agreed to one week she will really do it.

I just wanted to be sure of us, especially myself. I began to miss her very much. I missed her smile, her smell, her touch, her voice…everything about her and being with her. We used to call each other every day and see each other 2-3 times a week. But now it is only a few days of “silence” and it was becoming unbearable. The silence in the relationship was deafening.


It was finally Saturday again… our self-imposed 1 week “freeze period” is over. I asked to meet her at the garden outside Dhoby Ghaut MRT station which opened not long ago. She was there but she had completely transformed herself. Her usual long straight hair is now shorter and permed. She was doing exactly opposite of what I liked of her. Her dressing was also sexy. She has deliberately made herself more attractive. If she wanted to make me feel jealous or want her back she did it very successfully. Or was it because I did not see her for a week?

“Hi! Are you glad that our 1 week freeze was over? We can start all over again!” I started the conversation and held her hands. She withdrew hers and folded her arms and looked away.

“The girl you knew is dead. She is gone and gone forever. Never coming back. In her place is a new person,” she spoke slowly. Her gaze pierced into my eyes and made me tremble.

“What happened to you?”

 

[his_stories]

“I will now do to all the men in the world what you did to me. You are the first person to dump me. I will now make all men regret that they know me. I will make them suffer!” Her words struck me like a bolt of lightning. It sent a shiver down my spine. The steely words cut through my bone marrow. I wondered if the girl I once knew had turned into a monster.

“Lisa. We can start all over again like we just met. I am very sorry for what I said and did. Let us forget the past and continue our relationship.” I pleaded.

“No one ever dumped me. No one has ever done this to me. When I was with you I was not treasured. Now it is my turn now. I am cursed.” Her ice cold words pierced my heart. Deep down inside I wanted to say sorry and salvage our relationship. I was only waiting for her to give the cue to say something like “Yes, let’s start again”. I wanted her to say sorry and that she want me back but those words never came.

Pride took the better of me. I became silent though I wanted to say “I beg you to come back to me”. Wild thoughts were running across my mind. On one hand I wanted to evaluate if she is the one for me. On the end of the scale, I knew I could not do without her as I have grown so attached to her. I like her a lot. In fact, I love her. I wanted to tell her that I was sorry and I want to “take” her back. But she has gone crazy. And things were different. She has changed. Physically and mentally. She changed her look completely. Not that I cannot recognized her but it tells me something is very wrong. More attractive – but more like the black widow spider. Her mental state was beyond my comprehension at that time.

“By the way, please give me back all the things I have given you and I will return yours. I am never good enough for you I guess,” she said.

“No, I will keep the things you have given me. Those are my memories and anyway, you have given it to me,” I reasoned.

“It’s up to you. You can keep if you want. Those that you gave me I will return you. If you do not want, I will throw them away!” She replied.

I was dazed. What on earth has happened to her? What am I doing? Why did I not swallow my pride and just say sorry and plead her to come back? Perhaps I did not love her enough. Perhaps because I did not think that she is not the one for me. Perhaps I do not know that every enduring relationship will have it many ups and downs and this is just one of them.

One week later, we made an appointment to meet to “return” each other things. I planned to tell her that I was sorry as I missed the chance earlier. I missed her very much. Something in me seems to be missing or dying. My days became very blank. My taste buds were bland. I became a zombie. I do not know what I was doing. Most of the time, I cannot even focus on the simple conversations. I took advantage of the cheap beer in the officer mess to drown my sorrows.

It was also during that time a friend of mine, “Yogi bear”, a fellow comrade as we all knew had also broken off with the NUS graduate he was dating. She as older than him by quite a few years. Another army friend, Kevin has just separated from his girlfriend as his father wanted him to pursue his university education overseas. My buddy Daniel is also having some problems with his girlfriend. It was like disaster struck all of us at the same time.

That Sunday night we were all in the mess and we downed mugs of ice cold Freddysbergs and Tigers. The mess boys must have seen all these before. All the breakups just before ROD and the “next stage” in life. We all drank like no there was tomorrow. We could not even remember how we got back to our rooms that night.

When that day came, she turned up at my apartment. She did not even wait for me to open the gates and she just asked me for all the things that she had given me. Without thinking I gave it to her through the iron grill gate. I tried to move closer to whisper in her ear and to kiss her as I missed her so much through the gate. She took a step back and her expression was icy cold. She stared back and me and said “No”, shaking her hear gently yet vehemently. There was a slight smile in her face as she has her revenge – I finally “go” to her.

“Where is my stuff?” I asked.

“I have already burned them. If you do not believe me, I can give you the ashes.”

After she said these words, she did not even say good bye and just went down the lift. I quickly unlocked the gate and then chased after her but I was too late when the lift door closed. Till today, had the lift door not closed on me on that day, things could be very different.

When I reached the ground floor in the other lift, I saw her sitting on the stone seats. She was crying and looking through all the love letters I wrote to her and the photographs that we took together. Her tears wetted the cards and photographs. At last, I thought I have some hope. I ran towards her but she spotted me. She tore and threw the cards, letters and photographs, including those that she gave me onto the floor and ran towards the MRT station. I quickly picked up all the many pieces. The wind was not aiding me. I was afraid my love letters and photographs will be picked up by my neighbors. Tears welled up in my eyes and streamed down my cheeks. I was very sad and hurt. By the time I finished picking up those love notes and photographs, I realized my first love was already gone. I went the way to the MRT station but she was not in sight. She must be hiding from me. What if I had gone after her and not wasted time picking up the pieces of letters and photographs?

What I had hoped for was a make up but I got a break up instead. I was very sad that we had reached this state. It was my first break up and I took it badly. It was my first relationship. She was my first girl friend. It was special to me as she was the first one. My puppy love but my first love no doubt. Looking back, it was a lesson in love that I learnt well. We knew each other for a year. Our relationship lasted only half a year but it was very memorable as it was my first. The powerful feeling I experienced throughout this relationship engulfed and overwhelmed me. It made me so weak afterwards that I unconsciously it took me a long time to recover. I felt it must have been love. But it is over now. And I just lost it.

I was not good in learning how to deal with relationships. Perhaps I was never meant to be in one for long. Perhaps I was the one who is cursed. Not her.

My friends who learnt of our breakup were puzzled. Why would we broke up? We were like Golden boy and Jade girl – a perfect pair in their eyes. I guess things always look good from outside. Even Freddy came over to console me and when he asked me why we broke up – I just said we were not meant for one another. I did not dare to tell him the details and certainly not about our physical intimacy.


Part 2 – NUS

I did not want to lick my wounds from my previous relationship with her. It was me who initiated the break up but it was her who put the nail on the relationship. I thought I would get over it quickly since it was only six months. Or so I thought.

In the first few days of NUS, it was an eye opener. The girls I knew in JC had suddenly “grown up” into women. They were now third year of university, and with older boyfriends of course. The girls looked onto us their former classmates as little boys. In their place were younger, more naive and just as pretty girls. I certainly do not complain and preferred it that way. In fact this is perfect! Easier fish and easier target indeed! And younger too!

I signed up for an orientation camp. In there, I met up with some old friends from my JC as well as secondary school. But more importantly, I met some lovely girls from other faculties as well. As much I want someone from the other world, somehow they do not find us from Mathematics department attractive at all.

During the first few weeks in NUS we had hop and jam. Damn, it was fun. It was party all week and lessons were more like girl spotting. Life was fun and life was good. The guys, having not come into close quarters with girls for 2.5 years were all eager eyes. All of us zeroed in the pretty ones as well as the not so pretty ones very quickly. The slightest opportunity was seized but not often successful. It looks like they were baiting us and not us hunting them.

When I was shown my tutorial group, things were pretty sad. There is not one attractive girl in my group. The girls were just ok or average. Well, the rarity of pretty girls make them unique and pretty, right?

At the end of the first 2 days of term start, my seniors/mentors in the haste to discharge their responsibility quickly appointed a scapegoat as the group representative. I was arrowed by a JC classmate who may have harbored some evil intention I believe. But it was an easy job anyway. Just collect things and distribute things. Little did I know that had a little advantage - getting noticed by girls. Not too bad.


My first year in NUS was spent rather uselessly. The batch before us had rather high failure rate. So I told myself to do nothing except study which I was good at. I also told myself not to get into any relationship though I wanted very much want to. I met many people but somehow the vacuum left by Lisa in me cannot be filled easily. She set the bar so high in my mind that I learnt later cannot be matched by anyone easily - until much later.

 

[his_stories]

There was even a girl in my class – Cathy. She seemed perfectly normal during school hours. During the wee hours of the morning she would chat with many guys including me. We online chatted about all sorts of things under the sun and under the pants as well. In class – she appeared so normal. In the online world, she was a vixen. I learnt that in real life, girls seem demure and shy. But in the online world (not the Internet but the university computer) they are embolden and can be vixens too!

She even shared with me how she would DIY just rocking on her chair and doing all the erotic chat is enough to make her come. I am not sure if she as wearing anything below but I am sure she did not when she chat online. She even told me that once another senior of hers drove her to the NUS campus car park one evening and they did BJ there in his car. She said that it was very tiring to do it with all her mouth and hand engaged at the same time. And when we talked about the home run, she said her favorite was to do it raw – without any kind of protection and without worry about any STD. She was really strange. Needless to say, she flopped the second time a year later and was out. I am not sure why she went to a top JC but ended up in NUS doing all these – or ONLY this!


At the end of our first year just before the long vacation started, I was in the computer room. There was a message that came onto my screen.

Unknown: hi!

Me: hi!

Unknown: why are you still here? it is getting late

Me: abt to go off. who are you?

Unknown: someone who knows you

Me: hhmm…how do you make your user id appear as unknown

Unknown: i am a pro  jealous that someone is better than you in tech stuff?

Me: well, i thought i am good. but u are better! tell me who you are

Unknown: no, I prefer to be anonymous. better this way

Me: why?

Unknown: tell you later.

We went on to chat for almost 30min over the computer. Most of the time the person was complimenting me in one way or another. But every time I try to get hint as to who the person was – the person will swiftly side step the topic. Finally I cannot stand it anymore.

Me: if you do not tell me who are you, then I will log off now

Unknown: ok ok. If you are quick enough, you can find me in one of computer room. i can see you are wearing the grey pants and yellow polo again.

I looked up through the look-through glass window that separates the computer rooms. I cannot see anyone I know.

Me: I cannot see you. Where are you?

Me: halo??? Are you there?

System: Unknown has just logged off.


Realizing that the rooms were filled with some furniture and blocked by pillars, I cannot see the whole of the other room. There were quite a number of blind spots. As the rooms were filled mostly with strangers and seniors it was no point asking them who had just left the rooms.


That night the mysterious person chatted with me again. Most of the time we will chat about things in school and about our hobbies, likes and dislikes. I suspect she is a female but I just cannot understand why she cannot reveal herself. It is very common for a guy to be chatting with a girl – online or face to face. Nothing special about that. However, I felt that something was special with her. She seems to know a lot about me – perhaps through observation from a distant. But I just cannot pinpoint who she was.

A few weeks later, during one of the online chatting sessions, I decided to push her harder.

Unknown: so you still have not figured out who am i?

Me: no, i figured we better just remain friends since you are not interested in our relationship. in fact, i think we cannot continue this way anymore

Of course – that was to drive her to reveal herself….scheming me.

Unknown: why do you say that?

Me: coz you do not even want to tell me who you are. shows that you do not care at all or how I feel. no point chatting online rt? no point chatting with an unknown person

Unknown: i am hurt when you say that. it is not that I do not value our online friendship. i do. i do not want you to know who am i for a good reason

Me: but why? and why do you not reveal yourself?

Unknown: bec…

Me: bec?

Unknown: bec I am your secret admirer.

I was stunned. I know I am a bit geeky and never dashing or very good looking. But I believe I am endowed with talents. Not the physical kind I think. But I was happy.

Me: c’mon. wow. thank you. i see.

Unknown: i prefer to remain this way. in this age, it is still not common for a girl to approach a guy openly. perhaps we can start this way. but I really like you so i guess this is my way of approaching you

Me: but how do i like you if I do not know who are you

Unknown: hhmmm… that’s right. but i am not ready to tell you who am i yet

Me: ok, i do hope we meet up one day.

Unknown: me too.


A few weeks after that, I learnt from a college senior how to use a tool in the computer system to find out who are behind the “Unknown” ID. The thing is, it can only pinpoint to the terminal ID or room. Not to any real person. So I waited till one day, when “Unknown” was chatting with me in the university campus….

Unknown: so you had your lunch?

Me: yes, just had mine after the lecture. wasn’t it boring? i cannot imagine if the lecture is after my heavy lunch…i will be sleeping right through the lecture!

Unknown: i knew u would be sleepy!

Me: hey, just a min. I want to go to the gents to wash my face

Using the tool I just learnt, I “fingered” her location. Luckily at that moment, there was only 1 Unknown ID in that second computer room downstairs.

I hurriedly went down stairs and peek into through the glass panel in the door. I can see her on the terminal! It was Cindy.

Not wanting to “surprise” her or embarrass her, I went back upstairs to my terminal. I was thinking whether to tell her that I finally know who she was.

Me: i am back.

Unknown: wow. that was fast!

Me: yeah. did you know something?

Unknown: what?

Me: nothing. i just felt realization of something.

Unknown: what did you sudden realize?

Me: nothing. i just realized i have a decision to make

Unknown: huh?

Cindy is a sweet and nice girl but I am not sure if I like her enough to enter into a relationship with her. She is not bad looking actually. But I am also not sure if I am ready to start a new relationship with someone after the bad ending with Lisa. I also felt no chemistry between us – at least not at that time. She is actually from my next class and stayed just a few blocks from mine. We have to see one another once or twice a week on bus journeys and definitely in most of the lectures and some tutorials. A little too close for comfort perhaps.


At the end of the first academic year the exams came and went. The results were announced and I did pretty ok as I did just one thing – study. I did not waste much time in other activities. During the long vacation before the start of the second academic year, I joined a camp in the university. It was a month long camp where people from all other the different faculties came together for some fun and enjoyment. Surprisingly Daniel my buddy from the army was there as well.

In my group, I met this girl Helen from the Arts faculty. She is very special. She is always quiet and she is definitely good looking. During the group activities, I would seize every chance to speak with her and to know her more. However, she does seem to notice me much. She does not show any interest in me.

So I planned to do something. But I was afraid to approach her directly so I decided to write her a letter instead. Like what I did before, I wrote a long letter to her, expressing what I felt about her and how much I like her.

The idea was to give her the letter at the end of the day’s activities so that she can read in private. I took a deep breath and mustered enough courage to will myself to give her the letter. I followed her from a distant as she was walking towards the bus stop. Before I can reach the bus stop a car pulled up beside her. A young man stepped out and she went into the car with him.

Pretty girl with rich guy. A lesson learnt. I decided not to pursue the idea anymore.


In my second year things were different. My self imposed ‘exile’ was over. Strangely, luck or fate would strike twice. There was this very pretty girl Belle in the whole school and she was always surrounded by a bunch of girls and guys and one of the guys was a friend of mine.

I got the whole list of names and ID of that group. In going through the names, I decided to make my move of going “near” her by getting close to one of her girl friend Silvie.

Silvie was average looking. So I made my “indirect” move on her. I chatted with her online.

Me: Hey, how was the PS202 lecture today? Did you understand it at all?

Silvie: who are you?

Me: someone who watched you today

Silvie: you are? sure you got the right person? i am not belle you know! i got this a lot form guys who want to know her

Me: sure. you wore yellow T-shirt today

I got all this prepared. I did my homework.

Silvie: hhmm…… you are right, but I am not that pretty girl. she was sitting beside me. if she is
the one you are looking for, chat with her on IBM directly. i do not want to be a messenger

Me: it is you i was looking at. not her. she got lots of guys going after her and she is not my type

Silvie: so you do not want to pass her any message?

She is still not convinced. But to deflect the attention from Belle, I decided to go along with my fake story.

Me: no. I just want to chat with you

 

[his_stories]

I wanted to actually use her to get near Belle but she saw through me so quickly. So I had to pretend not to. Anyway, I tried to explain to Silvie that I am not interested in that Belle and I just wanted to know more people. It took quite some convincing. It was many years later that Belle ended up married to one of the guy that clung to her. And of course, he had a car during college days. Confirmation of theory on “Rich guy-pretty girl”, or “Babe mobile theory”.


Every night we would use a modem to dial up from home to the university computer to do home work or more often, chat online. We do not use the phone. I seldom have the chance to chat with Belle as she was always multi-tasking with so many wolves and predators on the university computer. Her reaction was slow and sometimes she even mistakenly sent someone else messages to me. Damn. I was so low on her list.


As I do not have a girl friend then I ended up chatting with Silvie most of the time over IBM. I learnt that she was from a very humble background and surprisingly, she was from a large family. I was intrigued. And she was very intelligent. Perhaps one of the smartest girlfriends I had.

Unlike most other girls, she was able to do all the difficult problems herself with minimal help from the guys. Quite unlike most of the girls I know who would use their charm to get their tutorials done by guys like me.

We confided in each other on many things – about school, about friends, about philosophy in life, about everything under the sun. Our friendship grew and although we did not go on a date, we maintained sort of online relationship. It was a very good feeling to have someone always there to chat and share your feelings.

It is also during second year that I met an old classmate from my JC. She had always wanted me to join her in one of her “outside” school activities and I had resisted it for years.

One day, I decided to give in as her offer was tempting. Her friends decided to perform some charity work in one of the very out of town and I have never been there. I was curious and I decided to join her on this adventure trip.

We sat in a minibus one early morning and made our way there. Among the 15 of us on that trip, there was one particular girl in that group that caught my eye. She was Anne and she was pretty good looking. I observed her the whole day from the corner of my eye as the whole day was pretty boring – helping old folks and cleaning their living quarters. Had it not been for the fact that the trip was doing the old folks some good, and of course the chance of meeting Anne, that whole trip would be in vain.

I seized the chance to sit near Anne on the way back and needless to say, my aim was to get to know more about her. She was a trainee teacher from NTI and surprisingly, she stayed near my home.

On the journey back the minibus dropped off the passengers one by one. When it came to our home, both of us got off and my old JC friend gave me a kind of look that tells me she suspected I was up to something.

As Anne and I stayed near each other, I volunteered to walk her back to her apartment. She was very jovial and surprisingly very easy to talk with. When we reached her front door, I asked her for her number.

“Hey, what is your phone number? Perhaps next time we can go to perform charity work together again as we stay so near each other.” I tried to be as indirect as possible.

“Since you are Jaclyn friend – I guess you are someone I can trust as I trust Jaclyn.” She replied. She took out a pen and as I did not have anything on me, she wrote her phone number on my palm. That was the first time we touched.

Well, that does the trick. When I got home, I called her and we chatted for a long time.

About a week later on a Saturday, Jaclyn’s charity organization had another social work activity and Anne was going. Of course, if she is going then I will too.

In front of others, we pretended as if nothing is happening. But on the way home again, on the pretext that we stay near each other, we went home together. This time round we chatted like very good friends and we really opened up to one another. The 45min bus journey let us find out a lot about one another.

Again I walked her home this second time and while crossing the road, I held her hand to guide her across the road as it was pretty difficult to cross the busy road junction at that area. But that was the secondary objective. The primary objective was just to hold her hand. After we crossed, I continued to hold her hand and did not left go. She looked at and me and shook her head.

“You are quite fast aren’t you? This is only the second time we met,” she exclaimed, “are you a Casanova?”

“We can be fast or we can be slow. It is up to you,” I replied. She just smiled sweetly and I guess she liked me as well. We did not let go of each other’s hand until we reached the foot of her apartment block.

“Sorry, I am afraid my family might see us. You know, this is only our second meeting. I guess you better not see me to the door. Bye.”

“Before I let you – will you be my girlfriend?” I asked. Still holding onto those soft and smooth hands.

She did not speak. She just nodded her head and smiled so sweetly. She has a very beautiful smile and is very pretty.

That night, we chatted over the phone for a long time. It was finally that I thought I found someone to fill the vacuum in my heart that has been created by the ending of the last relationship. Someone whom I can spend time with.


When it was time to sleep on each night, I did my usual thing of getting online via the modem dial up. Getting online on the university mainframe to chat became a routine for me before I sleep. It could be just reading my emails, see who is online or chat with those online. Low on the priority is school work.

Silvie: hey, is there anything wrong? you come online at such late hour. something happened?

Me: oh nothing. just busy with cny cleaning my parents asked me to do

The good thing about not meeting face to face is you got time to think of responses.

Silvie: wow. din know you such a filial son. still helping in those spring cleaning

Me: well, my parents are old mah

Silvie: good son you are. well, me too. helped my parents to clean up my own room. ha ha

Me: what are you going to do tomorrow?

Silvie: the usual. wake up late and then see if I still got any more tutorials to do. prepare for the coming exams.

With Silvie, I found someone to share my innermost thought and feelings. But while I was with Anne, I felt very happy and loved. Her physical presence made me feel very assured. Very special.


The next morning, I dated Anne to the usual places I knew. There aren’t many places I know anyway and without a ride, I cannot go too many places. The mass transit network was only partially built then – only 2 lines and even these 2 lines were not fully completed yet.


One of the most memorable dates was to Sentosa. Somehow, the place is enchanting to me. There were so many memories I had. We met early in the morning and then spent a lot of time on the beach and on the monorail. Somehow being to the same places but with a different person elicited different feelings. Anne is chatty but more playful. She would always like to tickle me and made me laugh. But somehow I found that I cannot share with her all my feelings. She does not understand what I was doing on a day to day basis.

That night, we had dinner at A&W restaurant. We had a plateful of the fiery chicken wings. I am not sure was it the spicy food or the mood, but we ended up kissing in one of the beautiful park near the musical fountain. It was romantic. The music played in the background. The beautiful sight in the distance. It was sweet.


The classes had stopped and it was time to make final preparation for exams. Since she stayed near me and it was near exam time for both of us, we decided to go to the nearby community centre to study together.

We would study from morning till evening. While we seated next to one another in the Study Room in the community centre we would still hold hands, and sometimes we would caress each other. There were others in the room but we always had our own special corner – a more secluded one. Student couples would always try to be early to “book” those corners but I was always the early one.

One day we went a little further than normal. When she placed her hand on my lap as usual, I held her hand as usual. I decided to try something new. I moved her hand up my shorts. She suddenly looked up and was shocked.

“Hey,” she whispered.

“Shhhhh….”. I held her hand to prevent it from withdrawing.

“It’s hairy ….. and hard!” she whispered. She was flushing red. Ever looking so shyly and smiling so sweetly.

She withdrew her hand but I pulled her hand on put it there again. Soon her curiosity gets the better of her. This time she began to explore more. Very soon, she does not need my guidance or encouragement anymore.


One evening a few weeks later I sent her back to her apartment. Her parents were already asleep in their bedroom. They sleep very early as they were morning shift workers. Her elder sister was not home yet.

“I am writing a report but I just cannot get the Word Perfect working. Can you help?” she asked.

“Sure. I will see what I can do.” I can sense something coming up.

We went into her room and well, it was an easy fix. She just need some help in formatting commands. When that was done, she continued her assignment. I looked at her in the eyes.

“We are alone now.” I smiled.

“But my parents are in the next room. I am afraid they might hear. You should go home now,” she whispered.

“Not if we do this…” I turned her stereo on but was careful to make soft but loud enough to mask any sound of movement.

“But what if my sister come back suddenly?” she asked.

 

[his_stories]

I walked over to the main door and opened it but I padlocked the gate so that the main door remained opened and her brother would have to unlock the padlock – making sound. That will serve as an ‘alarm’ for us.

I removed all her clothing except her blouse. We were both bare from waist down. I figured this way it will take less time to put on our clothes if anyone were to interrupt. She sat on my lap while she tried to type her report. I rocked her gently on my lap.

“You can go on with your report now that the computer is fixed. Let me just massage you.”

“Come on. I am trying to finish my report. Let me concentrate,” she pleaded.

“I am not stopping you. You continue with your work,” I whispered softly into her ears. I nibbled her ears softly with my lips and kissed her neck. Her ears were flushed red. My hands went under her blouse to give her front massage and ventured down below seeking those warm and moist places as well. She had trouble focusing and she eventually stopped and closed her eyes. Her breathing was heavy and she closed her eyes. She moaned softly.

“If the girl is on top, she won’t get pregnant right?” she asked.

“I think so. Law of Gravity. But don’t worry, I will withdraw when I am about to come”. At that moment, any excuse or logic is always right.

Perhaps she was nervous and as I tried to find my way into her, the sound of someone opening the padlock of the front gate pierced through the still of the night cutting through the soft music.

Both of us bolted up from the chair and put on our clothes in record time. It was so untimely. We managed to walk out of her room fully clothed and I even had the chance to say hello to her sister before I made it out of the door. Damn. If it will be only 10 min later. Or just 5 min later only. Or even 3 min later and the world will lose two virgins in the world and perhaps gain one more baby. Or is it really a good thing that her sister miraculously appear at that very moment? This incident really freaked her out. She did not invite me to her home any more.


There was a time when we had wanted to catch the movie Ghost. All her friends said it was a fantastic movie. In my mind – it sounded like some stupid ghost movie that tries to disguise itself as a romantic movie. So I obliged and I went along. As long as she is happy and as long as both of us is having a good time.

As usual, during the movie, while watching. We somehow got parallel mind – one was focused on the movie while the other was busy kissing, touching, petting…not realizing then that we were actually missing a good movie.

That morning we watch Ghost – little did I knew that somewhere behind us was a friend of mine. She was seated a few rows behind us. And it was a few years later that she said something about it…

“Hi Siau Yen …. When was the last time we met – gotta be in JC days” I exclaimed in one of the JC class gathering.

“Yeah that is right. But hey, I say you with you with a girl in a movie theater some time ago. I was sure it was you,” she said.

“Are you sure? How can that be?” I asked.

“I was seated a few seats behind you in the movie Ghost. I think it was at that cinema Yang Tze,” she said.

I froze. I was at this very unpopular and neighborhood movie theater and I was spotted. It then dawn upon me that when I was with Anne, I would unconsciously be “hiding” from the rest of the world. It was not like this with the previous relationship. Why did I do that? It was obvious that I do not want to be “found” out. Was it that at the back of my mind I felt that Anne was not the one? Was it that I have no confidence that this will work out and was already preparing for failure?


The second year exams came and went. I did ok. Silvie did not do so well and had to repeat her papers.

It was also the time we did our Industrial attachment. It is a program where all of us try to get into program where our prospective employer were the sponsor. As I did well in my second year, I was given the chance to be part of the IA of one the top organization in the world. Many people envied us as it paid well and the reputation it carries being an intern with this prestigious company.

After work, I would go out with Anne as often as I could. It was always a joy to be with her. The ever obliging girlfriend. She was pretty and she stayed just a few bocks away from my place. It was convenient as well – for my many purposes.

But while I was with Anne – somehow I was not satisfied. She just gave in too much to me. Whatever I want I get. Not in the physical sense but other areas.

Somehow I felt that I lacked something. I felt emptiness. My heart was not filled. What was it? Where can I find it? What do I need to do? When can I find it? When can my heart be filled and be whole again?

That was where I found a void in my heart. Somehow Anne in all her goodness – I was still empty. The emptiness was loud and deafening.


As the second year Industrial Attachment ended, so did the results re-paper that Silvie had to take was announced.

Me: how did you do for your re-paper?

Silvie: I passed. So happy. Can’t believe it. Want to celebrate! Are you free tomorrow?

Me: Sure. Where do you want to go?


It was our first date. So far, we have always chatted online and the closest we got so far was a few steps from one another in our faculty. Somehow we felt there was no need to be with one other physically other than virtually, in the on-line world.

She chose to have a nice dinner and then I topped it up with a movie. What else can we do in our sterile and tiny island?

As it was a celebration of her passing of examination and promotion to the third year, we went to a nice little restaurant. It was a nice dinner but the movie I chose was a disaster.

Somehow, during our first date – I felt something that I have never felt before while I was with Anne. Silvie is very different from Anne.

Silvie has a mind of her own. She does not try to please. She is always cool and reserved. She was the icy and aloof type. She always has something that surprises you. You will never feel that you have her or know her completely. And that was what attracted her to me. And she maintains her distance. With Silvie, I felt more satisfied intellectually. I felt we can connect more than just with everyday things but also intellectually. Perhaps we belong to the same world as we more things in common while Anne was from a totally different university and faculty altogether.


After that first date with Silvie, I would ask her out more often. Not the normal date. I would just date her to the other faculties. It was a huge campus and most of our friends do not venture to this part. We would sometimes go to the Central Library, but our favorite haunt was the Medical Library and the study spot is very “hidden” from the public. Each day, after lecture, we would go to the secret location together and settle down to study. We will study till 7pm and then go back from there.

At night, we will chat online but strangely, we never held hands at all. Perhaps I was subconsciously aware that I was dating still dating Anne then. On weekends, I would be with Anne – the ever obliging Anne.


In the middle my third year in university, a friend who was a part time model asked me if I can support him at one of the fashion show since it is his third assignment. I readily agreed as I have never been to such closed door and invitation only event. And I may feast on those beautiful babes there. So I went with him.

I was reminded that sex and looks sells. That was what fashion show taught me. Over there, the models paraded in different wears. The camera flashes were so many – I wonder how the models can walk without falling off the catwalk. It was an eye galore and testosterone filled the air.

It was in the third collections that my heart stopped. What I saw shocked me.

Lisa – my very first girlfriend was one of the models. She was absolutely dazzling. She wore those smart suits and she looked absolutely stunning. I was lost with words. It has been 2 years plus since we last seen one another.

I waited for her session to be over and waited outside the changing room – amidst the glare of the security and minders. After a while she came out. She recognized me and I signaled her to have some “private” conversation.

My friend who followed me to the back was surprised that the ordinary me knew such a stunning looking girl. He was even more shock when he knew that she was my ex-girlfriend. Well, sometimes John Doe has his luck.

“Wow…you look so different. With all these make up and hair style! You look great! How have you been?” I was not sure if she even wants to speak with me or kill me with her black widow poison.

“Let’s just get out of here,” she replied quickly.

I was a little surprised to see her. She was beautiful when I last saw her and she is stunning now. And I wanted is to talk with her. I wanted to tell her what I was not able to the last time we met face to face. That I was sorry for what I had done and I wanted to ask for her forgiveness.


We went to a small restaurant nearby and ordered some drinks. I learnt that she had graduated and was looking for her first job and during the mean time she decided to try part time modeling. It would be good for her since she has natural good looks and skin although she is not very tall. But somehow deep inside me I was uneasy. Why did she try something that capitalizes on her looks rather than her abilities?

After the drinks, she wanted to leave. I reluctantly walked her to the main road to wait for a cab. There were many others waiting for cab as well. My feeling of remorse and regret welled up inside me. I have so much to tell her and also to ask her for forgiveness.

 

[his_stories]

As there were more cabs cruising by at the other side of the road, we decided to cross to the other side. While crossing I held her hand. She did not resist.

“I miss you. I miss your smile and being with you,” I told her, putting my hands around her.

“I miss you too. Very much,” she said.

I did not wait for her answer. I took the initiative and kissed her. She did not resist that too. It was a long French kiss like in old times. Her legs went in between mine and I held her closely – pressing her body against mine. I can feel her soft body against mine again. I can smell her favorite perfume and her hair. It was all so familiar yet so far. It was a feeling I yearn for so long. It was a very familiar feeling 2 years ago.

“I miss the old times…,” I sighed.

“Me too. But it is too late now,” she replied, “I am seeing this other guy”.

I had half expected these words. Someone of her looks will not be on the “shelf” for long.

“I guess as much. Well, good for you. I see that you have moved on and are happy now,” I slowly said and also hoping I was right.

“Yes. You are doing ok too right?”

I honestly do not think I am ok. Anne and Silvie – they are different. They are here with me but they are not like her. Somehow there was this vacuum that has not been disappeared.

With Anne I was happy but not filled. She is able to laugh at my stupid jokes and was always giving in to me. Whatever I wanted she will give. Sometimes I wonder if I am taking her for a ride. When I want to have date or a movie, she will oblige. She never says no.

With Silvie I can share my deepest fear and feelings. I can share my thoughts, desire and sorrows. I can also talk to her about school work. In short she is close to me mentally and intellectually. She was my online “girlfriend”. We did not even held hands.

I was confused. I was together with Anne then. Emotionally I connect with Silvie the best. But why was my heart still feeling emptiness? Damn – why is life so complicated? Perhaps God is fair after all. The pretty ones are lacking in one thing or another. The less attractive ones have inner beauty that captures the mind and soul.


After the chance meeting with Lisa at the fashion show, I asked her out again some time later. To catch up with old times as we barely spoke for half an hour the last time. We met at an A&W restaurant. With more time and more privacy, she told me more.

“So what have you been doing all these while….2 years after we broke off?” I asked.

“Actually, after we broke off, I was devastated. I began to think that if I am jinx. It seems that all my relationships are doomed to fail.” She said.

“You do not hate me now do you?” I asked.

“I hated you initially. I was so devastated by the whole episode. Damn – I felt I could kill you then.”

I winced when I heard those painful words. I think she sense it.

“But then as time passed by, I told myself I need to move on. That I cannot think that the world is coming to an end just because of you. My life certainly does not revolve around you,” she said so nonchalantly. When I heard this I really wanted to kill myself too for causing her so much hurt and pain. I was felt very stupid asking her out to hear all these words.

“There were many people who came to me to console me. Some of the guys even wanted – well, to be more than just friend. And this particular one came and showered me a lot of concern.” She continued.

“And how so? Who was that?” I asked.

“This particular one – who learnt that I was ditched by you – came over to my house for many days and just comforted me. I was really touched. When I was so low and so down – when you left, he came to cheer me up. Whenever I was lonely he would be there. He was at my beck and call. I felt that I used him initially. But slowly, things changed. Even my parents can see that he was sincere – though my mother still does not like him now.”

I was so sad that I had I had caused her so much grieve and so sad that someone else came in to fill the vacuum I created. But that was 2 years ago.

“Slowly, little by little we became closer. Like brother and sister. He would fetch me from home to school and back. Everyday. Can you imagine that? You do not come close in this area of care and concern. You are quite selfish. Anyway, I told him we were not meant to be together and I was not ready for any kind of relationship for 1 year at least. I want to heal.”

“But he persisted. After a few months and one day I could not take it any longer. I decided to ask him leave as I do not want to lead him on or take advantage of his kindness and concern. After he sent me back from school I asked him to get lost. It was raining and I just told him to go home.”

“After about 30min I looked out of my window and he was still there in the night. Standing there in the rain – looking at my window. At that time my heart just melted and I knew he was sincere. I asked him to come in and have a hot shower – against my parents advice. And that was how we started. Sorry – you do not even come close. He was caring and very good to me. You were not and you were self-centered. You were gone so quickly and he was always there for me. That is when I experience how it felt to be loved. With you I am the one loving but not receiving.”

I wanted to defend myself but I guess she was right. My throat was very dry and I looked away from her eyes. Her eyes were red too. I could have never compared to this guy. I have not learnt how to love another person. After a short silence, I decided to change the topic – away from our failed relationship and my cause for it.

“And who is this lucky soul who was so captivated by your charm?” I asked.

“I really do not want to tell you who he was as I was afraid that you would be angry and may fight with him. And I do not want either of you to get hurt. But now I guess it is ok. It is Freddy. Sorry. We were so afraid to let the world see us together. We practically never dated in day time and avoid public places.”

I was shocked. Of all the people in the world – it had to be Freddy! He was by best friend then. All kinds of thought raced through my mind. What was going on in this world? Best friend dated best friend girl after they broke off? Even after breaking off, it was like – a courtesy to inform that one is after another person’s ex-girlfriend. I must be living in my own world. I did not notice all the signs and all the hints. Freddy was suddenly very busy and stopped going out with me then. I had thought that it was because he was busy with study or he was angry with me for dumping one of his friends.

And all these while, my ‘best’ friend had been seeing my ex-girlfriend behind my back – winning her heart and slowly occupying the vacuum created by me. And I thought I was the scheming one who wrestled her from her first boyfriend.

Lisa was visibly regretful in revealing this little secret. She tried to do some damage control when she sensed that I was sad and yet fuming.

“It is ok now Lisa. I guess I was the one who let you down. I mean I left you and that he must have shown you so much love that you – I know you – you love easily and I might add that you hate easily too – that you finally gave in. I mean – that was 2-3 years ago.” I tried to manage these words out of my mouth. I tried to sound calm and controlled. But I guess she can read me like an open book.

“But we broke off 1 year later. Freddy and I manage to stay together for 1 year - better our record of 6 months with you,” she laughed. Somehow she takes falling in love and falling out of love so easily after she got over it.

“You mean both of you are not together now? I thought you said you are attached?”

“I am. As you see – my mother really do not like him. And for a girl – I hope you understand that a mother’s opinion is important – at least for me. She does not ‘approve’ him. She refused to say why.”

“But what about you? I mean – I am sad and angry that my ex-girl friend was dating my best friend – but then still, both of you are dear to me – what gives? I mean, what do you think?”

“After a year I guess we are better off remaining as brother and sister. I discovered our relationship is platonic. It is not like being with you. It is different. Really, the time together with you - though it is shorter but it is much more memorable, more meaningful and much more dearer to me,” she explained.

“I am flattered, “ I replied.

“Oh no. It’s us. Not you alone….remember? Us!” We laughed at the reminder that I should not be thinking of myself only.

“What do you prefer – to love or to be loved?” I asked.

“You know…I have experienced both,” she said. Stating something I should have known.

“To be loved – I get physical and material fulfillment. To love – I get emotional contentment even if I do not get it in return. I prefer to love – at least it keeps me going on and hoping. Giving me a reason to go on until that reason is gone. To be loved is like being rudderless.”

When I heard this, I was a little happy. Sometimes she says things that surprised me. But I need to be cautious with my words. She might be saying this to make me happy but I do not care.

“Anyway we broke off after a year. A friend introduced me to be part time model with this agency. That was also the time when I graduated. My circle of friends and associates expanded. Designers, marketing people, models, talent spotters, advertisers, label owners….and of course some rich men. They came from all kinds of background. Some self made millionaires and some born with a silver spoon in their mouth.”

“So one of them became your boyfriend?” I asked.

 

[his_stories]

“Well, yes. One day, I was on an assignment a few months ago. Like how you did – he waited for me outside the back room. You know, he gave me flowers – which you only did twice. He asked me out and I went with him for drink. He actually drives a BMW and he stayed in a semi-detached house. You can even park a few cars in front!”

“Is he married?”

“Sadly he was. But he was in his late thirties but boy he is charming. I really do not want to start it but he was absolutely charming. He got money, he got looks, he got charm and he got maturity. Make no mistake he is not a sugar daddy. I pay for my own expenses and I do not get any money from him.”

“Does his wife know? Does he have kids?”

“He said he was not on good terms with his wife. They got 2 kids. Around ten years old I think. He always told me that his wife is very controlling and does not understand him. They quarreled often and he was very tired of all these. But I suppose he might leave his wife soon. He was always telling me that he is preparing to divorce her. And I believe him. I choose to believe him. My wretched life does not give my many chances or choices. And when one comes by I need to seize it.”

“So you two are still together? How long have you guys been together?”

“Only a few months. But recently I felt he may not be telling me the whole truth. I do not know. It is just a feeling. Anyway, enough of me. Tell me about you. What happened to you after you left me.”

“Wait, it is you left me. I just wanted a cool off period, remember? Technically we are on a cool off period.” I reminded her.

We laughed about it then in the restaurant. But two years ago it was no laughing matter. I had made her very sad and I was remorseful and regretted it.

“Well, I went to NUS and nothing really happened. I just hit the books. There is no one that I see that can interest me. Not until second year – where I met this girl from NTI. We are together now. Still together but I am not sure for how long. I am not able to imagine if we can be together for another few years. I am not sure.”

“That is the problem with you – you are afraid of commitment or tired of someone after a while. Really, if you do not think both of you are meant to be together – just move on. Don’t waste each other’s time. Besides even if you are do not want to end up with her, just stay together. Be happy together and let nature takes its course. Treasure what you have now. Do not think too much ahead.”

“But I do not like not being in control. I like to know what is next, what will happen in the future”, I said.

“You cannot always think of the future or how it will be. Just hold on to it now and enjoy now. You are still studying. Do not think about the future for once,” she counseled. “You do not have to be the pilot of the relationship. It is the unpredictability that makes relationship so interesting for us humans. Or else everything will be so mechanical!”

Suddenly she had grown up and matured. I was like a little boy.

“I am also “seeing” someone else. A girl from my same faculty. It is not a BGR thing. It is just we are together chatting on phone and online a lot. Nothing really but we do click really well – at least we share so much with each other.”

“And did you tell them about us?”

“Yes, but very little details. I thought girls do not like to hear about ex-girlfriends?”

“If your ex is better the current one – yes, girlfriends do mind.” She laughed.

We went on for almost 3 hours. It was a very long dinner. We tried to catch up with happenings of each other. As we talked, I realized that she has really moved on and I had not completely. Her mind seemed to be really forward looking and do not dwell on the past as much as I did. She can really let go of the past rather easily. I finally realized I have a closure to that first relationship. And I can talk with her openly about it. I had wanted to seek her forgiveness and I think she has forgiven me and moved on well.


In my third year, I thought about my future again. I am about to graduate and take the next step into the working world. Something that I look forward to – because of the financial independence I will enjoy and the freedom from my parents I might enjoy – but also that it is the last years I can spend with my friends with little responsibilities and lots of fun.

I also thought of my future with Anne. While I was happy with her, the void in my heart is not filled. I thought, perhaps I should just end our relationship just like with Lisa. It does not make sense to keep this relationship from dragging on. I was not tired of her but I just felt for the first time I wanted to plan for the future. A friend from the Master degree class just went round distributing his wedding or engagement cakes. It spooked me into thinking that I might want to think more of the future. Work and love.

I tried but I cannot imagine her as part of my future. I also cannot pinpoint what I did not like about her. So I decided to just do it quickly and one day I called her out and we went to the nearby park. There I told her that we may not be meant for one another and all the lines that I learnt from my first breakup.

She was in tears in no time and I really hate myself for doing that. She kept asking why I would want to start the relationship with her in the first place. I have no answer. I just kept telling her we are still young and so on. All lies of course.

“Can we just try to have a 1 week cool off period?” She asked.

I do not want that as I know the outcome will be the same but somehow I said yes. Perhaps one week I may wake up and realized how I cannot do without her. Like it was with Lisa. Deep in my heart I had a feeling that history would repeat itself again.


The week passed slowly for me. The sudden “freedom” I had not having to call her before we sleep and not seeing each other for a week is strange. I felt relieved and released. It was tiring to maintain a relationship. However, I did go online and chat with Silvie. I did not tell her anything about Anne as she does not even know I was attached with someone from outside our university.

A week later, Anne called me as we had agreed.

“How has the one week been for you?” she asked. She sounded happy but I was afraid I might disappoint her.

“Strange. It is strange being alone for a week.”

“I had a bad week. A friend of mine made me angry in the library yesterday and I burst into tears. I was crying and people around me kept scolding him but actually I was crying about us. I was crying at the thought that we may breakup. I fear that.”

“I am so sorry to hear that.”

“And just yesterday, the kids in the class I was teaching were very naughty. I was very angry with them and shouted at them. I do not know why but I suddenly burst into tears. The kids were very frightened but little did they know again that I was crying because I was thinking about us. I was afraid of what might happen,” she said.

I felt very bad but I figured that short term pain is better than long term pain for both of us – or for me only.

“Actually I want to tell you that I have made up my mind. I think we should just remain friends”.

She cried again. I can hear her sobbing over the phone. It was a terrible feeling to have to make someone so sad out as a result of your action or decision but I had to do it. It is either I make her cry now or I make her cry some time later. One way or another I had to do it. The earlier the better to lessen her pain. It was bad of me to do it over the phone – I realized later.

“Am I not good enough for you?” She asked.

“No Anne. Nothing like that. It is just me. I just want to remain friends for now. I do not know what I want yet. Forgive me. I do not know how to love you or appreciate you. The problem is me. Not you.” This time is right. The problem did lie with me. This time and the previous time as well.

She knew it was useless to plead. We stayed on the phone for another half an hour but mostly it was filled with silence and broken with her sobbing. I do not know why I did that during that time. Did I like her only a little? Did I like her to get over my loneliness? Did I just use her and drop her? Or did I do that when I thought that there was no future? Was it because our relationship has become platonic? Looking back – as what Lisa had said – just take it from day to day is the best. Do not think too hard. We were still young.


The rest of the year was spent on-line chatting with Silvie and having fun. It was also this time that I grew closer to guy friend of mine Ethan who later became my best friend and my best man too.

Ethan was someone who was so righteous and upright. Sometimes I look to him for character guidance. Other than being buddies, like with Freddy, we did many things together. It was from him and Freddy that I learnt persistence is important.

Ethan liked a girl from Ngee Ann Polytechnic who was also from his church. They were both part of the acting crew for the Christmas musical production. Every day he would tell me how good she is and how he always tried to get close to her but she would keep her distance.

One day, he decided bring me to one of their rehearsals. I had always been curious which girl captured the heart of my dear friend. We arrived there late evening and he introduced her to me.

 

[his_stories]

So this was the girl that my good friend was crazy about. It was the girl that my friend waited at the MRT station near her home many a times – hoping to catch her when she alight. He wanted to give her some nice lovely handicraft he made for her and I am sure – to express his love to her. He finally made it after a few days and countless times watching the people alighting from the trains and coming out of the station. Such devotion and such dedication. I was ashamed of how I got it easy and how I let go equally easily. He showed me what is persistence and perseverance. He showed me how to value love that is hard to come by or love that never come by. I was a slow learner in things like love.


The final exams came and went. When the results were released, Silvie and Ethan graduated with Merit. And one of them even graduated with honors! Good for them. I failed 2 papers and worse, I failed the re-papers. Was it all the dating with Anne and “double date” with Silvie at night on the online world? Was it punishment from above? I was devastated. I had to repeat another year in NUS. I guess I had too much fun and not enough of studying.


Silvie started working as she found a job before the final 3rd year exams. Good for her. As for me, I am busy studying for me re-papers and was also very down as I see many my friends had moved to the next stage of working life while I am stuck doing my courses again.

One day to lift my spirits, Silvie suggested that we take a short break outside our country. We decided to book a short tour to a mountain resort in our neighboring country over the weekend. That would be the first time I actually left the country with a girl – it was like going to another world. Like on a sort of “honeymoon” except we are not in a real boy-girl relationship.

We left on a Friday night and will reach the destination by the next morning. On the way there, I felt close to her and with her beside me and sleeping, I felt very blessed and happy. She has put herself and safety into my hands and I wondered – Is she the one? Perhaps it was too early to tell. Perhaps I should not even think about it.

When we reached the mountain resort, it was already dawn on Saturday morning. We checked into the hotel. The front desk ran out of room for single king bed and gave us one with twin beds instead. I was disappointed inside but anyway, we left our things up there and then down for breakfast. It was a wonderful feeling. The away from home feeling – the holiday feeling – that we can do anything and no one will know feeling was there as we are in another place altogether. We felt that we had entered a time machine and transported into another world.

Like a pair of kids in wonderland, we went round the mountain resort and its theme parks. The cool air and view was fantastic. We tried many rides and played those games. Our luck was not with us. We returned poorer from the casino. But it was great fun.

After dinner, we bought some snacks and drinks back to our hotel room.

“Turn around. I want to change.” I said.

“Sure.”

When it was her turn, she said, “I will change in the bathroom.”

Damn. That set the tone for the night. But still, it was exciting. Exciting that I will be spending the first night with a girl alone in my life. We set the air con to the coldest, cuddled on her bed and watched movies. It was fun.

We talked and watch movies until past midnight and we decided to go to bed. About 20min after lying on her bed, she called out.

“I have a bad stomachache.”

I went over to her bed. It was a large single bed, but larger. I can see that she was feeling quite painful and she was curling up.

“Where?”

“Here. It is more painful than my period cramp. Must be all the junk food we ate today.” She has a history of those period cramps as far I can remember – since early days when I knew her.

“Do you have any ointment or cream for it?”

“Yes. I have one for the period cramp – always got it with me”. She handed me a small bottle of medicated oil.

“Let me help you to apply it.”

“No, it is ok. I will help myself.”

“I insist.” This is getting interesting for me.

She lifted up her blouse a little to reveal her smooth white flat stomach. I put a few drops on her stomach and rub gently. It was hot and after a while, the circle I rub on the stomach grew larger and larger.

“Getting better?”

“Yes.”

Eventually I covered a large area and I slipped my naughty hand under her shorts and I felt that silky soft hair.

“No. Not now. We not ready for this yet. Besides I really have a terrible tummy ache.”

Inside me I was sad but I told her, “It’s ok dear. I will just hold you.”

“Thanks.”

For the next two hours, I cuddled her. It was a nice feeling initially but later it became quite uncomfortable as the bed was not meant for two persons. When she finally fell asleep, I slowly crept back to my bed gently and softly, careful not to wake her. It was a strenge feeling. We are not really boy friend – girl friend. And yet we spend the night in a hotel together. And there I was, cuddling her to sleep. What are we doing? Where is this heading?

Needless to say, I only have a few hours of sleep the next day as we have wake up early to get back home.

The return journey was also fun. We felt closer to one another than the day before. We felt that we will let our relationship progress slowly at a pace both of us are comfortable with.


When the academic year started again for me, I made sure I study hard and no more relationships for me as I am not good at juggling both study and love at the same time. But half way round the academic year, I met a girl called Clara. She was also a final year repeat student like me but she was from another faculty.


Clara and I us were repeat students, we skipped many of the lessons as it is no use going through all those lessons where we knew how the lecturer would set the paper. We knew where our weaknesses were as well. We spent a lot of time in the libraries and during the short vacation where most people will stay at home, we would stay in the university from morning 9am to 7pm – doing our project work and study, and just plain chatting. I shared with her about Lisa but I did not tell her about Silvie or Anne. I even told her that I got physical with Lisa. She was so understanding. I was very sure we could have hit it off with her if I had tried. But I intended to focus on my studies while doing my repeat year. It was humiliating to repeat while all your friends like Silvie and Ethan graduated and moved on into the working world.


Each time we met to study – just the 2 of us – we would choose the highest floor of the next faculty such that we would not meet anyone familiar. As it was also during the vacation period, there were very few students in the university. We have all the tables at the choice spots to ourselves. Sometimes even the canteen would be closed and we would be forced to go outside of the campus to NUH for lunch.

One day, Clara complained that the examinations stress was overwhelming and her neck was stiff. She was wearing that tight tube. I jokingly asked if she need a massage and she said yes.

She then rested her head onto the table while seated. She brushed her hair aside to reveal her neck and shoulder back – looking so inviting. I stood behind her and massage her. It was a strange feeling. You do not normally massage a friend of the opposite sex but yet I was doing it and she was visibly enjoying it. I had to feel her bra but no, I am not to undo it. I also asked her to massage me and she returned the favor. It was a good feeling to feel another human so close again.

We did not venture anything far – just massage each other neck and shoulder. But after that I think we both realized we may have crossed or about to cross some unseen boundaries. It was never repeated again. And it was never brought up again though I was sure both of us enjoyed it.


Eventually, the exams came and we did exceedingly well. It was strange. When given the chance again, we took it and did pretty well. We surprised ourselves, our tutors and lecturers.

A lot of potential hirers came down to our university to do campus recruitment. Clara and I had applied for quite a few and so with our good results we were offered some good choices. I decided not to choose the higher paid ones instead I chose one that I thought might give a better career path.

To mark the big step into the working world, I joined one of the campus Tour fair packages. A good female friend had no one to buddy up. I thought it was a good idea. At that time, I was not attached and I do not mind some company as well. Most of my good friends already graduated the year before as they did not failed their last year like I did. Besides, she is already attached and I think we will not fall for one another even I was “alone”.

We selected a nice package - four weeks of guided tour to USA. To see the fun theme parks and beautiful sceneries and places that we read about. It was a real treat but I had to borrow a huge sum that took me almost 2 years to repay in full after graduation.

I love every bit of the holiday. We made many friends during the holiday which remained as my friends for over fifteen years – even until now. At first, many people thought that we were a couple as we shared rooms together. At times, as it was a student tour package – we were put into rooms with only a king size bed. Well, both of us managed to control ourselves and we remain good friends until today. Nothing of that sort happened. I was sure of her and I think her family and she was sure of me. They told me to look after her and I did. But if they knew what I had done before they may not allow her to go with me.

 

[his_stories]

Part 3 – Diving into the Working World

In my first 2 years of working I was struggling to get a foot hold in the company and also proving myself. I was on a management training programme with a top global bank. I did well but amidst all the career progression I was lonely and empty in my heart. What is all the success when there is no one to celebrate with?

I had to travel a lot during the initial years of my working life. Every four months I had to rotate among the major cities in Asia where the bank had significant presence. How did I spend all the lonely weekends? I went to visit sights of the city and I also went out with my colleagues from the host city.

In one particular round I was in Tokyo. I always frequented this particular drinking joint with my fellow colleagues. It was a strange little pub built right under a bridge. It was run by two pretty young women. Many foreigners came here for the cheap alcohol and to gawk at the beautiful owners. I was one of them.

On one of the Friday night I was there as usual. I spied a “new” girl in the crowd. She was pretty but a little petite. She was sitting at the bar with a Japanese guy. But heck, I made my move on her. Since I am out of my own country, what face do I have to loose?

“Hi…I cannot help but overhear your conversion. You do not sound like a local do you?” I asked. What a lousy pick up line. The pub was noisy and I could not have heard her conversations from across the pub. I could only tell that from her looks.

“No, I am not from here. I am from Hong Kong,” she replied. Her English was Cantonese accented. Her female sense could sniff out my intention from miles away.

After introducing myself, I asked her name.

“I’m Jessica. So where are you from?” Her smile can kill. She is very beautiful.

We spend the next one hour chatting in the pub. The Japanese guy had no idea what we were saying but he could tell that we were enjoying ourselves.

I found out that she had just graduated from HKU. She found a job in this large Japanese conglomerate as one of their PR person. It was her third week in Tokyo and her first time to the pub. Before we parted I got the telephone number to her apartment.

I wasted no time. When I reached my hotel I called her. We chatted for a short while but not before I asked her out the next day on the pretext that I wanted to show her the interesting places in Tokyo like Asakusa, Shinjuku, Tokyo Disney and others.

She readily agreed. I guess she was as lonely as me in a foreign land. I found out the guy with her was a colleague who also wanted to hit on her but she does not like him.

The next day, we went to Asakusa to see thee shrine and shops. She was pretty happy to have a guide. We took a lot of photos and we were like little kids in a wonderland. At night, we took the subway (the only way to get around) train to Shinjuku and enjoyed those magnificent sights and those magnificent food but at atrocious price.

I was not sure why but every time when I was with her, we behaved like a couple although we did not hold hands. Was it because we were strangers in a very foreign land? Even my colleagues teased me as I stopped going out when them. I found better company of course.

I was not sure if I should start a relationship with her. Will it work? She was from Hong Kong and working in Tokyo. Her employment contracted stipulated a two years bond as it paid for her training and all the accommodation cum living expenses. I will only be there for another two months. I do not want to think of the future. I just want to spend good time with her. I was not even sure if she has a boyfriend back home. I did not ask. I assumed she had as she is pretty. No one with her looks will be unattached for long. We both know our relationship will not last long as my overseas rotation stint is coming to an end soon. We just did not care and just wanted enjoy each other company on weekends and sometimes on weekdays.

One week before I were to come back home we went to a small restaurant near Ginza. The meals are served in bamboos split into halves. Pretty unique. We also tried sake – that Japanese rice wine.

We were high in no time and I finally bring up the dreaded topic.

“You know I am going back next week, right?” I asked.

She was quiet for a while. She sipped the sake from that little cup while I continued, “I hate to be leaving you. I really enjoy myself being with you.”

She smile weakly and said, “We are not in any kind of relationship are we? No need to be sad.” I guess she must be a little sad. But she should expect this I guess. Her female instinct should tell her I was slowly attracted to her and perhaps her to me as well.

“I know I am not anyone special to you but I want you to know that you are very special to you. In these 2 months my feelings for you have grown. From the day I met you at the small pub. I did not tell you because I was not sure if all these could work at all. It is just a feeling that grows and grows and I am unable to control that growing feeling,” I said.

She cupped her hands over mine and stared into my eyes.

“I tried to suppress my feelings but I cannot,” I continued, “the more I try not to think of you the more I think of you. I just cannot get you out of my mind. The harder I try, the harder it becomes.”

“Do you know I actually have a boyfriend since my HKU days? We are still together.”

“I suspect you have someone.” I gulped down the burning sake.

“Sorry if I did not make this clear to you in the beginning.” She can sense that I was sad. Silence prevailed for while before she continued.

“I am going to miss you. I really will. You have been very good to me. Showing me round this cold and foreign land. I appreciate all that you did for me.” She looked into my eyes. I can see hers welling up in tears.

“It is ok. I should not have….”

Before I can finish the sentence, she put her finger on my lips to stop me.

“Ssshhhh…say no more. Just enjoy tonight,” she said softly and smiled ever so sweetly. I tried to smile but it was useless. I just cannot smile then. She was so beautiful. It was so sad to leave her.

We went to her apartment that she shared with another female colleague. It was tiny as it is Tokyo but well equipped and neat. We went straight to her room. Her housemate was not in.

She removed her winter jacket and scarf, and switched on the heater. She looked so tempting. She faced a photo frame down and switched on the CD player. I spotted the CD by Milli Vanilli and swapped the CD in.

I have never held her hand before that night, but that night I decided to ask her to slow dance with me.

She hesitated at first but obliged when the “Girl I gonna miss you” was played. How apt the song title described my feelings and emotions then. We swayed to the music. It was beautiful.

When the song “Girl you know it’s true” was played, I sang along softly to her. She stared at me with those lovely eyes. Then those beautiful eyes closed and I leaned forward to kiss her lips gently. Her reaction was reflexive. Her lips and mine met and soon we were kissing. French kissing.

I set the CD to repeat play those tracks and for the next 30min we danced and kissed. Nothing more. We did not even talk. She must be thinking of many things. My head was also racing. Many thoughts crossed my mind. Is this the end? Will I get to see her again? Will she leave her boyfriend for me? Perhaps not as I am not even her boyfriend. We were just two lonely souls in Tokyo.

Her room mate came home soon after. When we were sure that her room mate was inside her own room did we slipped out of her apartment unnoticed. We walked for a short distance and I suddenly turned around and hugged her. I looked into those beautiful eyes and try to seek an ending.

“Say you will miss me, please,” she finally whispered. Her eyes welling up with tears.

“I will miss you. I will certainly miss you much,” I tried to reassure her.

“Will you visit me?”

“You know I will. But what about him?”

“I do not know. I am so confused. He is still studying. For his masters. I am not sure if I should do this to him. It may affect his study.” She was on the verge of crying.

“Say no more. Like you said. Just enjoy tonight. Take things one step at a time. Let it be a night we will remember for the rest of our lives.”

I think both of us could not take it anymore. We hugged for a long time. So tightly that I can feel her body shaking and shuddering in the cold winter night even though we were wearing winter jackets.

“I do not have anyone. You are the one who has to make a decision. I am prepared. Are you?“ I asked.

Those beautiful eyes did not tell me anything. It was a pair of sad eyes.

“Bye. I will miss you a lot. You are my once in a life time,” I said softly before turning away.

With that I walked to the train station and I could not bear to look back. She must have stood there for a while. My eyes were a little wet but I held them back as much as I could. I did not want to be seen as weak. I did not want to cry.

On the train journey back to my hotel I thought about her. Tears then flowed freely. As the lights from the buildings and stations flashed by, images of us together also flashed past my mind. We certainly had a good time and I definitely enjoy being with her.

Should I initiate the next date? When I was back at the hotel I did not call her. I decided that she should make the decision and that I should not look her up anymore.

On my last day in Tokyo, I wrote her a short letter. In it, I told her how much I miss her and how much I like her. I also told her that I was eagerly waiting for her “decision”. I posted the letter at the airport before flying back. I cherished every moment I had with her. They may be just two short months but it was very two very beautiful months I had. That winter in Tokyo.

 

[his_stories]

Tokyo was the last of my cities tour. It was also my most memorable one – with Jessica. As we had mutually parted and we decided that she will author our future, we left it at that. But my mind was always thinking of her – hoping that she will change her mind. Hoping that she will just give me a chance. Hoping she want a change. But deep inside, I know the chances were slim. She just started out and she liked her job. And for me, I have to come back to complete my two years training programme. Failing which I would waste all that I had worked for in the past two years.

In order to take my mind off her, I buried myself with work. My mind was so tired everyday after putting in those additional hours – some unnecessary. I want to focus in my work so that I will have little time for anything else. While I spent most of my time working I did hang out with some of my guy friends. Jessica began to fade slowly from my mind.


Back home, my work place was far from my apartment. It was an arduous 1.5 hours from one end of the island to another. But I have no choice. I had to do it as did not check the clause in the employment contract clearly. I was blinded by the prestige of the bank and the so called potential career path it offered.

The long journey requires me to take the train and change another bus at the city every day. It was painful and I wasted more than 3 hours on the road. I decided to get my own transport. It took me 2 years saved up enough money to buy a car that I had always wanted – a 2-door CRX coupe.


After occupying my life with work and little anything else, my monotonous life took a turn. One day, Silvie called up out of the blue and wanted to catch up with one another. I was curious at how have she been as I have seen her for 3 years since her graduation. I decided to give her a surprise. I asked her to wait for me at one of the southern train station.

I drove there and then stopped the car by the MRT illegally, and ran to meet her at the station entrance. She was amazed that I had the car – although it was a cheap and old one as most people working for two years do not own car.

Nevertheless, with a car now we can go anywhere we want to go where public transport cannot reach. Besides, now we are not in university anymore and no one would be gossiping or friends would not see us anyway. That began our first real date. The past was just online dating on the university computer.

It was awkward at first. I do not know what to say and initially words do not come easy. But after 30 min when both of us opened up and it became an innocent catch up meeting of two friends who have not seen one another. Like me, she was still unattached.

Our real first date was to Marina South that day. There was a large food court there, a few restaurants, and a nice big park. This time is my first time dating a girl in my working life, and I have transport. Things are really different now. But it was now a slower start than my other relationship. I had known Silvie for more than 5 years and we never really dated or even held her hands. That day was different.

We could afford nice dinners in nicer environments – things were getting better. While I was a student, we normally “go Dutch” and eat at food courts and hawker centers. But now with wheels and money we could afford to eat at nice restaurants and cosy up in nice dating spots. It was good. I like working life. Money does improve quality life and love life somewhat. Or does it?

We had dinner at one of the restaurant there, and then we walked to embankment facing the sea. As usual, the salty sea breeze blew into our faces. It was nice. It was windy. And it was a romantic sight.

“Do you still remember how we would stay up until 2am or 3am to chat on the IBM mainframe or the Vax?” I asked.

“Yes. That was then. Now we can’t do that anymore. No more IBM. And no energy as I got to wake up early to work as well.” The Internet was not available for public use then.

“Yes. Things are different now. But it also meant we got more time on our hands. And more freedom – both from parents and financially.”

“Yes.”

She stared at me, smiling. I think we are off to a good start. We had been online chatting boy-girl platonic friends for our second and third years in university. And all the time we hardly go out together. Just chat online almost everyday. And then we stopped for a few years when she started work and I focused on my re-papers. But now, instead of virtually together, we are physically together now. She is no head turner but I find her intellectually engaging and stimulating. And she does not try to please at all. She is someone whom I can talk with for hours without feeling bored.

We chatted for a long time – trying to cover up 3 years of lost ground in 3 hours. It was getting late and it was getting cool. Her office wear does not protect her against the cold. Naturally she laid her head on my shoulder and I put my hand around her shoulder. It was a nice and familiar feeling of being able to “re-connect” with her again.


We met a few more times and unlike our earlier online relationship, we spoke on the phone instead of online chat. And one day I decided to ask her to be my steady.

We were on Mount Faber’s Cafeteria. The city and Sentosa lights below were breathtaking. I did not know Singapore has so beautiful a night scene.

After dinner, I decided to ask her.

“So what do you think?” I asked.

“Think of what?”

“Are we just going to meet like this or do you want to take this to the next level?”

She smiled and paused for a long time. Finally she nodded her head and I was very happy. But I decided to play with her.

“So what does that mean? You did not say anything.”

She used a finger and wrote “YES” on table with water condensed from the drinking glass. A sudden flash of memory came back to me – Lisa did the same thing when she wrote the “Yes” on my hand almost 6 years ago. Why can’t girls just say yes instead of writing Y-E-S? Did their mothers taught them this? Or was it in some movie? Strange indeed. Deja vu.

We saw each other about 2-3 times a week. It was good. I was able to send her home easily and we can go to any spot and any time with wheels. Previously, I was not able to go the all the new dating spots that I discovered now. We can drive to beaches, parks, far away shopping malls at corners of the island, edge of the island restaurants and any movie theater we fancy. It was great. It was fun. I like wheels and I like financial freedom. It was my first real date since I started work.


It was also this time that I received a phone call from a familiar voice.

“Hi? Remember me?”. That familiar voice said. The face of Jessica flashed across my mind.

“Jessica? Is that you? Of course I remember you!” I exclaimed with delight. I had long to hear that voice again.

“It’s me. The one and only Jessica!” I can hear her excitement in the background.

“Where are you? Are you still in Tokyo?”

“Surprise! I am staying with my auntie in East Coast. Yes I am here now. I want to give you a surprise!”

“When did you arrive?” I asked.

“Late last night. That is why I did not call you. Today was filled with all the places my aunt wanted me to show me around. Now that it is past seven, I am finally free. So how have you been?”

“I am fine. Let us go for a drink? Shall I come over to pick you up, say in half an hour?”

I chose a nice little pub in Siglap near her Aunt’s place. The pub bear a little resemblance to the one when I first me her in Tokyo.

“What happened to your job in Tokyo? Still working for them?”

“Yes. I just finished the first stage in the training. And I decided I finally had enough of working in Tokyo. It is not a nice environment. Everyone worked like a robot during office hours. And I cannot stand the female discrimination there. And no leave during the first year of training. I had enough. I decided to quit that so called “dream” job. Before returning back to Hong Kong, I chose to come here. I’ll be back in a week’s time. My plan is to see my favorite aunt and you!”

At this moment she smiled quietly and stared at me with those beautiful eyes again. She cupped my hands like she did on our last night together in Tokyo.

“It has been six months since you left Tokyo. Six months since I last hear your voice. In these six months I thought about us a lot. I read your letter and was very happy. I finally decided to leave him but I have to wait for him to finish his studies. He had just completed his masters three weeks ago. And guess what? I just decided to drop everything! My job and him! I even had to repay part of the bond.”

It took me so long to put her out of my mind and now she suddenly appeared in my life again. At that time I could give up a lot for her. I was not sure about now.

“Why didn’t you call me?” I wanted to hint to her that I was already seeing Silvie but I could not bear to say it. I thought she had come all the way here and was putting a lot of hope in us. I think she can sense that things may not be the same anymore.

“I do not want to stop you from seeing someone else. That is why I did not tell you. If we are really meant to be together then we will. Fate brought us together in Tokyo. Remember?” She said.

“Yes of course. It was magical,” I replied.

 

[his_stories]

I debated inside me if I should tell her that I am seeing Silvie. I had just started seeing Silvie. It is not truly committal I reasoned with myself. But she was still my girlfriend then. I have known Silvie for almost six years and we did not become steady until now. There was no BIG fire or spark. Certainly no fireworks. Just a slow start. But with Jessica it was different. That two months in was so magical and wonderful. Was it because it was winter? Was it because it was Tokyo? Was it because we were both lonely? Was it because we were both strangers in a foreign land that makes us “let down our guard”?

The feeling I felt so strongly that last night I had with her in Tokyo came back. The slow dance in her room. The burning sake that slithered down our throat. The mood of separation and not caring or knowing what the future holds. It came back all at once to me. I do not know what I should do. The “I am ready to let go everything to be with you” feeling overcame me again.

That night was very sweet. We spent almost 2 hours talking and talking and grasping each other hands like a couple. We drank wine. I was not sure why I asked for wine. I normally just drink beer and occasionally whiskey. Just 6 months ago, I would give up anything for her. But now things were a little different. Is she ready to do the same for me now?

“After all these time apart I still think of you. You were in my heart. So what do you say if we continue from where we left off?” She asked.

“I do not know. But we can certainly start again,“ I said. The words blurted out. Perhaps I can tell her slowly about Silvie later. Not now.

“So are you prepared to start a new beginning,” she whispered softly.

I held her hands and looked at those beautiful eyes. She was enchanting. How can I say no to her?

I had to make a quick decision. Do I say no now or just wait until an opportune time? That moment does not seem like the right time. I decided to wait till later. I just nodded and smiled back at her.

We paid the bill and then I drove to East Coast beach. There were many cars with newspaper pasted on their windows. But we decided to hit the beach. We chose a lonely spot facing the sea.

“This is a nice beach,” she said.

“Yeah. I like it here. But kind of crowded at times.” I tried to speak above the sound of the wind and waves.

“So much has happened to me. I do not know if I am living in a real world or not. One year ago I was still a student. 8 months ago I took up the offer the work in Tokyo – away from my family and friends I met you there. Meeting you was one of the best thing that happened to me,” she said slowly.

I was very happy to hear that initially. But I slowly realized that I had to make a decision soon.

“And then just a few weeks ago I am at a crossroad where I can decide between my career and going back, and also between you and him. I am so confused. I was so lonely there. I just cannot think more about it. I just want to drop everything and do what I just want to do – being with you.” Her tears streamed down her cheeks.

“Oh babe…” I winced. She put her head on my shoulders and I just hugged her.

In Tokyo – during those weekends and the last night – she looked so strong and self confident. She seemed so happy and contented. But now, she is crying on my shoulders. I liked her a lot. A lot. I cannot bear to say anything to hurt her now.

“Do not say anymore. Just cry if you want,” I said.

“You will not leave me will you?” She asked. I am not sure why but she does not seem to care if I was attached or not.

“No of course not.”

Her eyes lit up and she started kissing me. The memory of the last kiss on that cold winter night in Tokyo came flashing back. I could not bear to tell her the truth. Not that night.


The next day Jessica and I met for lunch. We felt like a couple. I had not forgotten Silvie. I just avoided her calls. I told her I was busy and very tired. As usual, she does not ask much question on my whereabouts and does not probe much.

I brought her shopping and after dinner, we went to Night Safari. It felt like in Tokyo – I was the tour guide and she the tourist. Except this time we held hands wherever went. But I was consciously frightened that I might bump into Silvie or those friends who knew about us.

“You know I will be going back in 5 days time. Do you want to come with me to Hong Kong?” She asked.

I was shocked. I am not prepared to put so much into the relationship. It was unplanned. And I was still with Silvie. Besides, I do not think I can afford to take leave for a few days as that was a pretty busy period for me.

“I do not think I can take leave from my job for the moment.”

“Just 3 days. Plus the weekend. We can have 5 days. I’ll show you around Hong Kong and may be even meet some of my good friends.”

“I need to think. I do not think…”

“What?” She interrupted me. “I can leave and drop everything for you. I gave up my job. I thought I could even try to get a job here to be with you. Why can’t you just do this for me?” Why is she so impatient?

“I did not say I cannot. I need to plan. It is too sudden.”

“Do you even have to think so hard? Just apply for leave? Anyway, no one is indispensible right?”

“That is true….how about just 1 day of leave? With the weekend it is 3 days,” I said.

“We have not seen each other for 6 months and you cannot even…,” she shook her head. Her tears are forming again.

“I guess I was wrong about you. I was wrong about my feelings.”

“No Jessica. I just want to think how to….”

“Forget it. You do not have to take leave or do anything,“ she snapped.

“If you only think of how much I went through to be with you – if you only you knew what I did for you – if only you knew what I gave up for you…” her voice trailed off.

“Actually I am already seeing someone, Jessica. That’s why,“ I blurted out.

Her eyes widened and her gaze bored through my soul.

“Why did you not tell me earlier? Last night I could not sleep well because I was so happy. I was thinking of all the times we had and what our future may hold. I was so happy. I was planning all the things I want us to do together. I was wishing and thinking. Wishing and thinking. And now you are telling me this?”

“I am sorry – I just want to tell you that 2 months ago I met someone – an old friend and we started seeing one another.”

“Why don’t you call me to ask me what is my answer to you then you start?”

“Why don’t you tell me what you intend to do? We agreed that you should be the one who is deciding? I do not know how long I have to wait” I said.

“Oh….I really need you tonight. Let us start tonight?” She cried softly. My eyes were wet as well. There was a long moment of silence.

“So what now?” I asked.

“You choose. Now is your turn. I hate this.”

My mind was racing. On the one hand I wanted to stay with Silvie. But I know that the one who really can ignite the flame really bright is Jessica. But will a bright flame last longer than ambers? As it turns out fate was not kind to us.

She stood up and said, “You choose. Let me know when you have decided.” She hailed a cab and took off.

I stood there staring at what just happened. Just 6 months ago, it was me who walked off and said the same thing to her. Now it is the opposite.

That night I could not sleep as well. I thought about what I should do. I had to work the next day but still I could not fall asleep. I could not get her out of my mind and I could not decide what I should do. When it was day break, I went to the office like a zombie. My colleagues asked me what happened but I have nothing to tell them. I just want to listen to my heart and tell her before it is too late.

After a few cups of coffee I decided to call her to tell her that I want her. I know it will be hard as we are from very different place and background. But I want to brave all the challenges and make it work. I picked up the phone and called.

“Jessica just left for the airport. She decided to cut short her stay,” her aunt said.

“What time is her flight?”

“I am not sure. But it is Cathay Pacific I think.”

I ran out of the office and jumped in the cab. It was faster than going to the car park to get my car. The cab driver sensed my urgency and he raced to the airport.

When I reached the airport I searched for her at the Cathay Pacific check in row. Her boarding time is 40min away. There is a chance I might see her.

There were so many people checking in. I scanned the crowd and could not find her. It dawned upon me that she may have already checked in. I ran towards the immigration clearance. I finally spotted her handing her passport and boarding pass to the officer at the immigration counter. The security stopped me.

I was too late. Her passport was being checked and stamped by the immigration officers. She walked slowly towards the gates. She stopped and turned around. I jumped and wave frantically. But there were just too many people doing the same thing. Her eyes made a quick pass and she continued walking. She could not see or hear me. I could see her wiping her tears and then walked slowly beyond my sight. And I wiped mine too.

It was then that I realized that I do not have her address or phone number in Hong Kong. Only her Tokyo apartment and her aunt. I called her aunt for details but the old woman said she had lost it and will call me back if she finds it.

That day was the last day I saw Jessica. Just like that – we lost contact. The flame was doused as quickly as it started.

 

[his_stories]

The next few weeks were spent avoiding Silvie and making calls to Jessica’s Tokyo apartment. Her ex-room mate was also gone but worse, the one taking over the apartment could not speak English. Her aunt was worse; she did not call back despite my repeated calls. She must have been instructed not to give out Jessica’s Hong Kong home’s phone number. People do not carry cell phones then.

Sometimes, I looked back and wondered – what it could have been if we were together. It is something that can only live in my dreams now.


Silvie is a “low maintenance” girlfriend. If I do not want to talk – our nightly phone conversation will be over in fifteen minutes or less. I have very little to talk with her and my mind was spent moaning over what happened – or what could have happened. I just drifted from day to day and survive on where the winds of life blew me.

My relationship with Silvie slowly grew back to normal. I think she suspected I was going through some difficult times but she did not ask. She knew I do not talk about my everything – we have some unknown OB markers and common understanding that if the other one avoids a topic, the other one will not ask about it. I was thankful that she was supportive in that she does not mind my weirdness and unresponsiveness. I slowly appreciate her patience and understanding.


It was also during this time that a friend from my club in the university called up to raise fund for a charity she was helping with. Normally I would not want to entertain such request but as Mindy was pretty persistent and I wanted to see how she and all those common friends we had were doing after 2 years, I agreed to meet up with her.

Mindy was working as a copy writer for an advertising firm right after graduation. In that advertising firm she would do the copyrighting, layout and design. It was amazing and interesting to meet someone from a different world.

We met at Subway – a Mindy favorite haunt. She has not changed a bit since I last saw her. She still has that model look and figure. She is one of those girls who look good in whatever she wears. Her chic and short hair matches her model figure

We talked a lot about our friends at the university, what they were doing now and how odd they were in the school days. We never talked anything personal as I really do not know Mindy well at all.

At the first meeting with her, she persuaded me to buy a table at a charity ball. It does not cost a huge bomb but I really do not want to part with that money. But I guess she tried her best and I told her that I will think about it and let her know a week later, hoping that she might take it as no or she might forget it.

But a week later she called again. I almost forgot totally about the whole thing. I felt bad about the whole thing and I decided to meet her again to apologies and finally tell her no. We met at Subway again. She wore a white blouse and a mini skirt.

“Do you really like Subway sandwich?” I asked.

“They are healthy. At least I believe it is. Look at me.” She stood up and turned around.

“I think you are absolutely right. I can see that”. It was that time that I noticed she is really hot. She has an excellent figure. Slim at the right places and endowed at the right ones too.

“I really want to thank you for buying a table for the charity. It meant a lot to these handicapped people. You know, it is not easy to get funding for the building extension they are thinking of.”

“So is that where the money goes to?”

“Well, the money will also go towards getting medicine. The volunteers like me are normally not rich so we put in our effort, and we try to raise funds for medicine, building extension or new equipment and so on. The government will only give so much grant and we have to raise the rest of the sum.”

“So how many tables have you sold?”

“Actually this is the first one!”

“Really?” I thought it would be easy for her to sell those tables for someone like her.

“Actually you need contacts. And I do not have much. Besides, most of the guys I met are more interested to date me than part with their money. They would meet me for a few times and finally if they realized that I am only interested in getting them to contribute to the charity by buying a table they stop answering my calls.”

I felt like she as talking about me and so I quickly handed over a check for the table I had planned not to be contributing.

“Thanks. That is really nice of you.”

That was that. She went off soon after I gave her the check, saying she is going to meet another potential contributor. Hmmm. Welcome to the real world.


For the next few months, Silvie and I dated but soon I felt our relationship is not progressing further. Was it more like brother and sister? We had started with online chat for two years, and we only started dating 5 years later after we met. I felt that we did not really move ahead much and things seems to cool itself bit by bit.

Our daily calls turned to once in 2 days, and our twice weekly dates reduced to once a week or even once a fortnight. Sometimes I had to remind myself to call her and it slowly became like a chore. We seemed to slowly drift a little apart. We weren’t apologetic when the other person failed to call or is unable to meet up. But neither was I interested to decide to end or decide to continue the relationship. We just let it run its own course. If the flame burnt out so be it. In those days very few people have mobile phones.

One day, I received a call from Mindy again. That girl who made me burnt a hole in my pocket.

“Hey, you know what – there is a Thank You party for all the people who donated by buying tables for the resident folks at the charity. We are allowed to bring a partner each and I want you to come as you are my first contributor.”

“What about James?”

“James? Nah…we broke off right after graduation.”

“I do not have anything nice to wear.”

“Aw…c’mon, it is just a thank you party. It is not really a ball. You can just wear anything you like. Just look neat and decent as you normally do.”

“You mean geeky or nerdy?”

“Both!” She laughed.

The night at the dinner, I went to her apartment to pick her up. When the lift door opened, it was not the Mindy I saw. It was a dazzling Mindy wearing a beautiful evening dress. She was beautiful. She also do up her hair and with those twinkling make up. She looked very good. Not the normal Mindy I know.

It was held in one of the 4 stars hotel. There were some ministers, VIP and so on. Damn it was actually a formal dinner cum ball and she asked me to dress normally. Luckily I have a tie in the car or else I will feel so out of place. Somehow I began to wonder how did a charity organisation can afford a 4 stars hotel for a ball? Well, such things can became fiasco years later as I learnt from the press.

“You look so different today. You look absolutely stunning!”

“The power of make up and I have good dress sense. How else do you think those old tai tai look good after so many years? Anyway, I am better than them. I am young and I look good,” she said unashamed. Indeed she was. She was only 22 and I am 4 years older.

That night was magical. I was having dinner with a beautiful girl. Wine was served and the usual speech was given by some boring VIP who would later become the next Prime Minister. I was there not to listen to him but to accompany Mindy. And now looking at her I am enjoying every moment of it. Very much indeed.

At the end of the dinner, there was to be a dance. The wine removed our inhibition and I asked Mindy for a dance.

“Ok, just one dance. It is getting late.”

She was great. The swaying of her hips, her dress and her body flowed as one gracefully and effortlessly with the music. She was like an angel dancing. It was beautiful and enchanting. The one dance number turned to many and finally the slow dance started. Both of us did not want to stop. I put my hands round her waist and she put hers round my shoulder. The gap between us narrowed as the night went on. The romantic numbers were good. I felt for once that this is how I like it to be. This is how I want my relationship with my previous relationships to be. To be magical. To be beautiful. I want that moment to last forever. I forgot about Silvie. I only think of Mindy and dancing with her. I was lost looking into her eyes and holding her. Feeling her soft and warm body next mine. Smelling her hair and sweet perfume. It was a night to remember.


The next day was Saturday and Silvie called.

“What happened last night? You did not call as usual?” she asked.

“I was too tired after the night out with my colleagues. We went to Hardrock Café downtown.” I tried to lie my way through.

“Hhhm…you could have at least told me before hand.”

“It was a last minute decision.”

I tried to convince her but I am not sure if it was working. We went out for a movie as usual and I put my hands around her and she laid her head on my shoulder. Somehow my mind was always thinking of Mindy and the night before. I cannot forget her. Normally she looks good but that night she really dazzled. She was stunning. Why had I not realized that before?


A few days later, I called up Mindy and asked her if wanted to have a dinner. I want to thank her for a wonderful night we had last Friday. She agreed.

This time round, we did not eat at Subway like the few times before. This time I chose a nice restaurant away from town. Perhaps I was afraid of bumping into Silvie or her friends.

During dinner, we talked about college days, about how different being students and now working and earning our own money. I had to agree that I like to be “liberated” and have the financial independence I never had before.

 

[his_stories]

That night was memorable. She laughed at my stupid jokes and was especially sensitive to my feelings and my thoughts. I liked that feeling of being liked and appreciated. Just to be sure of what I was feeling, I decided to do a little test. I took her to a secluded park in Marina South.

“Mindy, as you know. I am not the charitable kind. The last time I bought a table – that would be the last as I regretted it a lot. That money I donated could have help some people, but it would buy me that very nice Hi-Fi set that I wanted. I mean a good thousand dollars. Not huge sum but certainly big sum. I felt stupid after that.”

“It’s ok. The funds raising has reached it target finally. So I am not going to ask you for money. I will just continue to help out there about once a week or fortnight if I am really busy. Promise – no more asking for money,” she laughed.

So it is clear that she knows I am not giving more money and she does not need to raise funds now.

“Don’t worry – I know you are not the charitable kind – so I really appreciate that BIG gesture of yours – knowing you do not part with your money easily.”

Damn. Why do girls read me like an open book?

“In fact, I did not expect you to do that. So, it was really nice of you to do it. It was most of my older friends who worked for many more years that actually donated and none of my friends like you did. So that must count for something.”

Well. It is not all lost cause. To test her further, I wanted to tell her about Lisa and that we were intimate. And I wanted to paint myself as a big bad boy to see her reaction.

“I am not as good as you think I am. I once had a girl friend even before I was in university. And I sort of went after her even when I knew that she was attached and that my best friend could be liking her. I was a *******.”

She was silent for a long while. I guess she was shocked.

“I told you. I am not a nice guy at all. I took away someone whom my best friend was after, and after that I dumped her. Yes I dumped her.”

“Why did you do that? You two cannot get along?”

“Not really, we did get along very well initially but later we quarreled a lot and there were a lot of petty quarrels and fights that I was so tired of it.”

“Most couple will quarrel. It happened to mine as well. That does not mean that you have to break up. Give each other some time.”

“And did you know we went further than just being boy friend and girl friend?”

“Well, I do not expect you to do it. You looked so decent.”

“We did. We started with light petting and kissing. To the point of doing it orally. And we did the 69. You know what is that?”

“69? Not really. What is that?.”

“Well, she would lie down I would be on top of her. But I will be doing it to her orally and she would do the same to me. We use our mouth. We are not kissing.”

“Ok ok. I get the idea.” I can see that she was getting very shy now when we talked about sex.

“Did you guys go all the way?” she asked. I was surprised at that question.

“No. We actually tried but I guess we were both inexperienced and we were so nervous. We then finally decide to leave that until marriage. It could have gone the other way easily.”

“Why did you do that to your best friend? Taking away someone he liked. He must be devastated.”

“Initially I suspected he liked her but I just do not want to recognized that. I just went ahead to court her. It was not a competition but I really disregard my friendship with him. I put her above him. And worse…after we broke off, I wanted her back. But she has changed. She turned so cold and so different.”

“What do you mean?”

“She told me she wanted to do to all the men that I did to her. She asked me to return all the things I gave her. All the photographs we took together and she tore them apart in front of my eyes. I was so heart broken at that time. And it was only after a couple of days or at most a week. And in a few weeks, my best friend learnt about all these and went after her and they finally they got together.”

“You do not know about this do you?”

“No. Within few weeks, I lost my girl friend and my best friend. When I learnt that later, it was a big setback for me. My best friend of nearly ten years. We grew up together. I felt that I betrayed him and later I left that he betrayed me as well.” I was tearing at this time. I pitied myself. I pitied her and him as well. It was a sad story and I was the bad one.

After a moment of silence, I thought I had told her all I want. I just want to tell her what kind of person I really was – hoping she will know more and go her way. Perhaps she will just leave me alone now as those memories came flooding back.

“Do you still like her? You speak as if you still do.” She asked.

“Initially I really did. After we broke off, I still do. But how she reacted spooked me. She seemed to have lost her mind. What she said, what she did. It took me a long time to get over the break up. Now, as I look back – even if she wants to be together again I am not sure if I would want to. I have changed. What I look for in a girl is different. What I look for in a girl is different from what I would look for in a wife. I am not so young anymore. I am just past the mid twenties now.”

She was silent for a long while. I guess her mind must be racing with millions of thoughts like the millions like the stars above us. Even in the dim star light I can see tears were welling up in her eyes and twinkle in the night.

“So Mindy, this is me. This is the real me. Not a charitable person. Not a SNAG as you may think. Just some pathetic soul who uses his friend to get the girl he likes. Got physical with her. Dump her for no good reason. And justice was served when both of them got together – of all people. Two of them happy and I was all alone. Who would like an asshole like me?”

At this point, she cried. And her reply surprised me.

“I would.”

I do not know how to react. At one hand I want her to go away from me. At another, I cannot forget that night at the charity ball and how she looked in the moon light now. Her tears sparkled in the shimmering light. Oh she looked so lovely and in need of a hug. I was mesmerized by her. She was so beautiful and she wanted me. I know what I would like to do but I do not know what I should do.

“Actually I am so grateful to you for being so frank with me about your past. I really do. Most guys would hide all these. But you really opened up your heart and feelings to me. I am so touched. And actually I like you. A lot.”

“What do you mean?”

“Actually since university days – I really wanted to be with you – but I thought you were interested in Genevieve.” Genevieve was the prettiest girl in the CCA club then. I was once smitten by her then but not now.

No more words were needed. We hugged and kissed. I hunger for her touch and her love. I had planned and expected the opposite and now the opposite had happened and I cannot control it.

When I reach home, I do not know what am I suppose to do. I am confused. Silvie on one hand and Mindy on the other. What a dilemma! What shall I do?


The next few months were busy for me. I have little time for myself. Seeing them once or twice a week each is enough to fill up my weekday nights and weekends. On top of that I got to work and frequently I worked till past 8pm or 9pm. I am not sure how other guys with 2 or more girlfriends did it with a career ladder to climb fast.

And almost every night, I have two phone calls to make so I try to make them as short as possible as my ear will be hot and red. This went on for months. It was tiring and I have make sure my lies and stories to each are coherent.


One day, Mindy had a great idea for a weekend getaway. She suggested we go to a nearby island resort – away from all the hustle and bustle of city life. I was thrilled. We went to booked a guided tour to an island resort. It leaves on Friday evening and come back on Sunday evening.

When the day arrived, I met her at the jetty with the rest of tour group. Most of the people were family or old couples. We were the odd one out except for another young couple.

It was a magical experience. There we were, with no fear of anyone seeing me. Back home, I was afraid to be seen by Silvie’s friend while I was with Mindy and vice versa. But on that island resort – there was no such fear and no such inhibition.

As usual, the tour guide brought us to see the usual sight and the usual cultural/souvenir shops. But those were not our top list. It was the night when we checked into the hotel. Like before with Silvie before on the mountain resort, we bought snacks and beer from the night market.

There was a karaoke session organized by the tour guide and it was fun. We sang without inhibition and tortured the rest of the tour group members. Who cares? They do not know us we do not know them at all. We were free to do and feel what we want.

Back in the hotel room, we watched TV and snacked and drank the local beer.

She asked, “How do we arrange the beds?”. Strange she should ask this. Was she hinting something? We were given 2 twin beds instead of the single king despite our protest during check in. My mind raced to think of a good solution.

“We can combine both beds together.” I pushed both beds together to form a large king size bed.

By the midnight, we were tipsy and the air conditioning was not working fine. The room was hot and I was also feeling hot as the alcohol warmed me. I took off all my clothes and lay on the bed with the blanket over me. I could have done it the other way round but I choose to do that as I cannot sleep easily without a blanket. And it was still hot.

“Don’t mind if I removed the blanket.” I said.

“What are you doing?”. It was obvious isn’t it?

 

[his_stories]

Initially she was very quiet. She held her blanket to her neck but stared at it as it was quickly swelling up. Then she giggled and caressed it. She explored with curious fingers and she started to hold it.

“Go on. Kiss it if you like”

“Really?” She giggled.

But when I tried to undress her, she refused to remove her under garments.

“I am afraid of being pregnant. I do not want to be pregnant now. Did you bring protection?”

“No. I did not …”. Damn. Or else we could have gone all the way. I missed those opportunities with Lisa and Silvie.

“Hey, I am curious. Can you then show me how do guys do it?”

I showed her the how-to and she giggled.

“That is it? Can I try? BTW I am curious how semen looks like. What is the color?”

She was quick to learn, especially with her fingers and mouth. It was fun and it was wonderful. She tried very hard but that I disappointed her. Too much alcohol perhaps. Or too much guilt?

We stayed up late talking, touching and caressing. We did not fall asleep until 3am. It was getting fun being together with Mindy.

At the break of dawn, we opened the large window which faced the sea. The cool breeze blew into the room. She stood by the window in front of me, enjoying the beautiful sun rise at the break of dawn. Both of us had very little sleep.

“See the sun rise. It is so beautiful!”

“Yes it is.”

I hugged her from behind and wrapped my hands around her bosom and she covered my hands with hers. We stared at the horizon for a long while. The sunrise was so beautiful over the sea. The dawn of a new beginning. We started to pack for check out after that.


Silvie was always a little aloof. While we can talk very well, somehow we do not hold hand often. We seldom even kissed as well. But soon things were about to change.

A few weeks later, Silvie wanted to watch one of those R-rated romantic movie. We had chosen couple seats as it was a new in thing then. Our seat was right at the last row and there were very few people in the cinema. There were no usher in sight.

Perhaps it was the movie that turned us on. We started with kissing. After a while, I slipped my hand under her blouse. There was no resistance. My hands went further down as well. Feeling its way. She crossed her legs but I gently persisted. Her eyes were closed. She was enjoying it.

I also guided her hand to where I want it to go. It was our first time going this far. She was always near to me psychologically and far from me physically. But not that night.

“It looks like…turtle head?”

Other girlfriends had described it differently, but does she have to “degrade” it?

“Yeah. Except it can be big at the right time and tuck in small at the right time.” I joked.

“Can you show me how did guys do it?”

I do not know why but it seems the girls I met were interested in knowing how guys perform self gratification. I am only too glad to oblige. And they usually ended up using their mouth and not just their hands. It is like their instinct to do a BJ.

After the movie, we went to go to a park near her home. The park was particularly dark. That park was normally filled with dating couples but that night as it was still drizzling. There were only very few couples there.

After parking the car, we went to a rest shelter in the park. The light bulb was damaged and it was a little dark. We could not see far. I assumed others could not see us too. We sat down on the cold stony bench and resumed our petting – having more privacy now and more freedom of motion. It took sometime but finally she learnt how to release the pressure that built up for the past few hours since the time during that R rated movie. I have known Silvie since university days – almost 6 years and we dated for last 1 year or so. It was only now that we got physical. It was satisfying. It was great. It was a long road that we had walked.


At that time, it was wonderful. I was never lonely and I only need to juggle my time and tell different stories to the two of them. I was not proud that I was double timing them, but I do not want to stop.

On one hand with Silvie, it was like nurturing a relationship over 5-6 years – progressing with being online girl friend to dates and to now with physical intimacy. It was like seeing something coming to fruition after so many years. For Mindy it was totally different. It was a quick start when she declared that she liked me and I was really attracted to her physically. Her short chic hair, great communication skills, sophistication, her interesting character and her sexy model body mesmerized me. It was a sudden immersion in feelings that overwhelmed me.

I cannot decide who to be the one if I have to choose. I do not want to make that decision then. I just want to enjoy and make both of them happy and make myself happier. I divided my time among the two of them and my work carefully. I need to keep my stories believable and aligned. I intend to keep this secret as long as I can from them and from everyone. Not even my best friends Freddy and Ethan knew my secret. No one knows.



Part 4 – The One

I was enjoying myself pretty much with my hands and mind full with Silvie and Mindy. I thought I was blissful. I thought I had everything a guy ever wanted and was contented. No commitment. Freedom. Money. Physical intimacy.

One day Mindy wanted to spend the weekend over at our neighboring country – just a weekend get away where no one will see us. We planned to meet at the last bus station next to the border. And I waited but she did not turn up after 2hours. As there was no cell phone then – I could not even reach her to ask if she got the wrong rendezvous point or was involved in an accident. She did not turn up until 2 hours later.

“I thought we had agreed to meet here at 4pm? But it is already 6pm now? Where have you been? You got onto the wrong bus?”

“I was washing my hair and I need to dress up as well. All for you!”

“But this is just a weekend trip. Besides, who else except me will mind what you wear and I really think you look good in whatever you wear.”

“You do not understand. I need to take a shower, pack my bags, dress up and put on my make up. I do not go out without my make up and dressing up.”

“You are perpetually late. I am ok if you are late for 10 min or even 30min. But 2 hours? What is this? How punctual you are reflect how much importance you attach to the appointment or the person. It just meant you do not put me as one of your top priority.”

“Damn you. You always like me to look good and that is what I was doing. I am doing it all for you.”

“Did I ask you to? As long you dress ok I am fine. But you have to watch the time. If you have time by all means. But you are already late!”

“A girl just got to do what a girl got to do. I will not change for you nor for anyone. It is a prerogative for a girl to be late!”

“Fine. Then let’s cancel this trip. It is already 6pm and I am not sure how long it will get across the border at this time with the traffic all building up.”

“But we can still…”

“No Mindy,” I cut her short. “I am really not in the mood now to talk about this or go on this weekend trip. I just want to go home.”

I sent her home and the journey to her home was filled with silence. Before she alighted from the car, she pleaded again.

“I am sorry. I will not be so late again. I promise.”

“It is you. I don’t think you can change and I cannot accept this now. I am sorry too.”

She managed a weak smile and said, “May be we can cool it for a while. I am sorry for being late but you really over reacted.”

“Whatever you want. If you want to cool the whole thing, then let’s stop seeing and calling one another for a month. If we are meant to be together, so be it.”

I pondered about the whole event. What is going on? I guess she was right. Lately I find myself with a pretty short fuse with Mindy and Silvie and almost everyone as well. Was it work stress? Had my feelings changed? Had I changed?


In the cool off period with Mindy, I went out with Silvie more. But while I was with Silvie, I find that we have less and less to talk about. I am not sure what is going on but I just decided that I had enough.

One day I asked her Silvie out and after dinner.

“Do you see us going anywhere with our relationship?” I asked.

“I felt that I just like to let things flow as they are. I do not want to hurry things or slow things down.”

Silvie as she was – always steady and cool. And in some ways I felt she does not want to steer the relationship in any direction. And now I am the one who is more worried about the future than her.

“I think I have enough of this relationship,” I said.

“What do you mean? Is everything alright?”

“I am not sure if we are meant to each other. I mean, we are not going anywhere with our relationship. Tell me, what is going to happen 1 or 3 years down the road?”

She was silent.

“I do not want to talk about the future because I am not sure if you are ready at all. It is not that I do not care. I mean, this will be a big decision for both of us. We need to think. I need to think.”

I cannot agree more with her. Silvie was right. We need to think if there is a future for us.

“A simple way to judge is this: What are the plans you have 2 years down the road for us? Us making plans for marriage?”

“No. I dare not think so far.” She replied.

“Neither did I think of that as well.”

“What does this mean? Does this mean anything at all? Does this have to mean anything?” She asked.

“It does to me. It means that we have not planned for the future and we did not dare to think of the far future that includes both of us. It means that we may not be for one another.” I replied.

She was silent. She knew what I meant.

“So what do you want to do now? Let’s make plan ok? Let’s plan for the future.”

 

[his_stories]

“No, not like that. It has to come naturally. We can’t force these things.”

“Do you want to just cool things for a while?”

“Perhaps. I hate to say this but it may be the best way forward. I tried to think of a reason for us to go on but I think it will only hurt both of us.”

She was sobbing silently. I just felt so bad to say all these but the reality is that the fire was not there anymore. More like smoldering all along. Was it there at all in the first place? Was I with her because I was lonely in the beginning? It seems like whenever I was alone and lonely she became the convenient shoulder to lie on and confide in.

In a matter of 2 months, from a guy who had to divide his time between two girls to someone who is now all alone. No one to share my joys and sorrows with. Humans are not meant to be alone. Mindy called after one month but I refused to meet her as I know both of us were vulnerable. I was afraid that the flame on the dry grass will rekindle with the slightest spark. It was the same with Silvie. I refused to meet her. I wanted to be alone to sort out feelings and clear my mind. Do I really like Silvie or Mindy? Or alone for a while?


One day Silvie called me over the phone out of the blue in the middle of the night.

“I am sorry for everything.” She said

“What do you mean?”

“Why did you hurt yourself or try to commit suicide?”

“Why do I want to do that for?”

“You said that that you want my body but I was not ready. But I do not want to loose you.”

“Silvie, I did not say those things and I am not that stupid to kill myself over this”.

I realized this is a déjà vu – this also happened with Lisa many years ago when our relationship was on the rocks. Perhaps some girls’ brain will conjure up illusions or “extrapolate” real events into illusions. This is crazy. I do not want a crazy or mad girl friend.


In the few months of solitude – it was refreshing for my heart and mind. I felt I was released from some kind of emotional torture and prison. I felt trapped with girls whom I knew really well that we do not have a future together and I was determined not to let that happen to me again.

Months passed since I last spoke with both of them. Perhaps they have moved on with their lives. I was not sure and I did not want to find out as well. I just hope I did not screw up their lives with my own selfishness. I had a lot of free time now to relax my mind and think of what I want to do with my life and what kind of girl would I want to spend the rest of my life with. I got no answer.


Many months passed. One day a colleague of mine invited our department and friends from other departments to a party to celebrate his milestone promotion. It was to be held in one of the pub. Being the party guy I was, I did not to miss out on this fun. It was there I met her.

She was different from all the girls I had before. She is the spectrum of the other girls I had in some ways, but different in other ways. When I looked at her, I immediately know that she is different from all the girls I had. I do not know why but I just felt she is different.

She was good looking like Lisa but she is not as romantic like her. She can connect very well with me like Silvie but she is not aloof like her. She makes me laugh like Annie but she does not have her girly charm. She is witty like Mindy but she does not dazzle like her. She charms me in her own unique way.

On the other hand, she does not try to please and we also do not have things in common like I have with the others. Lisa liked to kiss and hug but not her. Annie liked to tickle and play but she does not. Silvie is at home with technology but she is technophobia. Mindy likes poetry, short stories and the arty stuff but she does not. A strange combination of sorts that forms a special liking that is both powerful and yet unique. It was not a wild quick start like Mindy or Annie, but rather somewhere between Silvie and Lisa. Slow but not that slow.


Initially I just wanted to know this special girl. I was curious about her. I want to know her. Why does she trigger such a feeling in me? I have never seen her in my workplace as I was always out of the office and I used to have the rule of not shitting in my own backyard. But this is another division so an exception can be made. Besides, I made my own rules and so I can change them.

That night in the pub, we spoke little as there were many people and I do not want to be too “obvious”, lest I be made embarrassed. I do not want my colleagues to know that I want to know more about her. So I got her home phone number quietly from a mutual friend. Cell phone was not popular then. It was also a mistake as my colleague was a loose canon as I learnt later.

On the first “date” we went to a nice romantic restaurant downtown. The ambience was perfect. And the food was good. But the company was better. It was there that I found out that she was seeing someone else.

She had this tycoon’s son dating her I felt that the guy was not suitable for her. She is not the materialistic type and I learnt that later. She felt that he was too old for her and well, I want to prove to her that I am more interesting, that I am a better and more suitable for her. I want to prove that I am smarter, more refine and capable.

But it won’t be an easy fight. I am up against a guy owning a BMW and a Mercedes! I just had my second hand Japanese car. It was not easy to get date with her too. She was always with that guy.


One day decided to give a call to her. Just to find out how she was doing.

“Hey, I just got a new hand phone. Just calling you to test out the phone.”

“Show off. By the way, how was the phone? Does it sound clear? Is it easy to use?”

“It’s ok. It is one of the flip phone but it is a little flimsy.”

“I am looking for one as well. And I want a small handy one for me as my hands are small.”

“Sure, let’s go and look for one.”

“Sure.”

“I’ll come by and pick you up from your office. Still at the same place?”

“Yes.”

The last time we met was half a year ago and she was attached then. Now we began our second date. We met at one of the big shopping mall and on the pretext of looking cell phone for her. As usual, after a nice dinner we checked out a few phones and finally selected a model that she liked.

“So now you can put your boyfriend on your speed dial.”

“What is speed dial?”

“Oh. It is a feature where you assign the frequent numbers you call to a key on your keypad. When you press and hold that key it will dial the stored phone number that you want.”

“Cool. But he won’t be on the list.”

“And why not?”

“Coz we are not together any more.”

I was happy. It was like small victory for me as the playing field had became levelled. The timing seemed good.

“So what happened?”

“I think we are too different people. I mean, he will bring me around and show off me to all his friends, colleagues and even customers in those pubs and lounges. I felt so uneasy and out of place. Imagine, to all the karaoke and pubs? He is a businessman but I just do not like that kind of life. I cannot imagine myself going to those places to begin with. I felt like a trophy and not a person.”

“Well, you can take your time to learn how to adjust. To be a tai tai is what most women want right?”

“Hey, I got my own ambition ok? Yeah, but we are also from very different background. My humble background and habits are so different from his. He is always on the phone telling his banker friend to buy this and that, and to his staff to do this or that. I do not want to be on the other end of the line one day. And I think I can see that coming. I also do not want to be treated like his prize or trophy. He once said that among all this past girlfriends I was the most decent and educated one!”

I can see where she was going. It was like Rose talking in the Titanic movie that we watched later. Trapped but with the freedom to choose. I seized the chance.

“So what do you say if we go for a movie this weekend?”

“What do you suggest?”

“Titanic? I heard that the story was good and a friend told the visual graphics was stunning.”

”Yeah! I want to catch that movie too. My colleagues said it was good.”

“Deal?”

“Deal!”

It became one of the first few movies that we watch together. It was a very beautiful romantic story. I enjoyed it absolutely. It was years later that one day I found out that she actually was hydrophobic and she dragged herself to watch the movie with me. Well, as I learnt years later that during dating – girls will do anything to please the guy. During dating only.


Our relationship progressed a lot. Watching movies, dining at nice restaurants and of course, going to the parks filled the dates we had She even invited me to her home for dinner one day. She prepared nice dinners (it would be years later when I learnt that she learnt how to cook those dishes from cook books just before our meetings). It was always without her family members. Just two of us. Her family members were normally out of town or out of the apartment. Or did she ask them to get out at the right time? Or was it nicely timed?


One night, it was raining very heavily. I drove her to Marina Square, one of my old favorite haunt. I showed here where I had lots of fun with my friends and where I dated other girls. Nostalgic feelings overwhelmed me. I just want her to know me more.

Sitting on those benches so many years ago, I had wondered who I would end up with many many times. And now, this girl I am with now, beside me, could very well be the one.

Returning to the car and drenched, we dried ourselves and make ourselves comfortable inside the warm comfort of the car – away from the cold wet and very heavy rain. Visibility was reduced to only a few meters and the car park was quite empty. The light on the lamp post near us was not working.

 

[his_stories]

I removed my shirt and she removed her blouse. I played a slow rock number from the CD. And then I made the first move. The rain had masked out the sound and reduced visibility – isolating us from the rest of the world. That night was the turning point of our relationship.

I kissed her while removing more clothing, slowly serenading her. All the skills I learnt with the others I use it all at once that day. But this time was different. I know we are meant for one another. It was not easy for us as it was our first time and space was limited, but finally we made union. I felt no inhibition or guilt anymore as I think I might have found the one. That night, there were two less virgins in the world


A few months later, we decided to bring our family and friends into the relationship. I introduced her to Freddy and Ethan – my best friends. I also brought her home to meet my parents. They got along well. It was then that we also started to plan for the future. I finally met her parents and I was pleasantly surprised. They were nice old folks. I guess I can live with them if I really had to.


One day, I met Silvie on the street. We had coffee and we shared about the things that had happened since we last met a year or two ago. Silvie is seeing someone else. I hope that someone treats her better than I had.

I also received a call her from Mindy to meet up. She still wanted to get back together so I told her I am with someone already. That finally sent the message through to her.


We dated and went to the usual places I went with the other girls before. But unlike with Anne, Mindy and Silvie, this time I am not afraid to show her to my friends and even family. For once, I did not consciously or unconsciously choose those secluded or out of way movie theaters and restaurants. I am proud to be with her and be seen with her unlike past girlfriends.

On one hand I want to believe she is the right one. On the other, I was afraid of making the same mistakes with the rest. Was I with her only because I want company? I was not sure of myself.

One day, after she came back from her long overseas business trip and I picked her up from the airport. I was not my usual self and my dilemma in me grew. In my mind, a thousand thoughts raced through my mind. How do I find out if she is the one? I did not speak much. She can sense it. If I want to end the relationship it will be a good time.

Before we bade goodbye at her door as usual, I told asked:

“Do you think we are meant for each other?” She knew what I mean.

“I may not be very pretty or very smart. But I only know how to make people laugh and be happy. That is me. Take it or leave it. Either you accept me the way I am or not. It’s simple. ”

Tears streamed down her eyes like strings of pearls. I know she does not cry easily and if she did she really meant it.

Of course she is more than what she said she was. A lot more. She is both pretty and smart. But I guess that was a very smart statement she said to make me think what I value in life and in a life partner.

As I walked back to the car, heaven cried with her and soaked my clothes. The raindrops also hid my own tears. I do not know why I cried then. Was it a realization that it was another end of a relationship or a realization that I can stop my search? I am someone who vowed not shed a tear except at the death of a loved one – but tears were forming freely in the rain. The heaven above shared my joy I guess.


A few weeks later I was posted again overseas to set up a new branch and we could not see each other so often. It was difficult to maintain this long distance relationship.

It was also then that I have a lot of time to think about everything again. I once heard that if a long distant relationship can endure the test of time, then it meant that the couple is meant to be together. With so many difficulties in front of us, our relationship soon reached a defining moment.

We would quarrel often over the phone but somehow my mind raced each time she missed my call. Was she with some swanky colleague of hers that I saw on those photographs she showed me when I was back for my first fly-home break? I cannot tell but that made me jealous.

I just wanted to know how she felt about me and where we are going. For me, I choose to be with her as I think for all that she is, I will “bear” with all her short comings and focus on things I like about her. Something I was not prepared to do with the rest before her. But I am not sure if she felt the same.

During my second fly-home break of only 4 days, we went out everyday and on the last day we had dinner at one of the restaurant downtown – just three hours before my flight. We had only 2 hours before we get to see each other for another two months and yet we were had our usual exchange of words and disagreements. It was really hard when we have so little time together and yet they peppered with small quarrels. I was very frustrated and I finally said,

“You meant a lot to me. I know what I want. But what about you?”

“You mean a lot to me too. But why are we always quarrelling over trivial things?”

“I have enough of all these. I cannot stand any longer. I am very tired. I need to know something. Do we have a future together?”

“What do you mean? Must we talk about it right now?” She asked.

“Yes right now. I have to know. And I do not want to waste both our time.”

“And…”

“I want to know…will you marry me?”

There was silence.

A soft “yes” came over the other end of the table.

“Did I hear yes?” I just want to make sure. Tears welled up again in our eyes.

“Yes.”

I am not sure if what I did was right. Why did I propose to her just a few hours before my flight? Perhaps I was afraid that she will say no and that was why I postponed it unknowingly to the last minute. Perhaps I cannot wait until my next trip back two months later to know if she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. At the same time I felt so tired maintaining this long distant relationship. Most importantly I was also afraid of losing her if we had waited and the moment may pass forever. She or I might change and we could miss the chance to talk about this again.

The “proposal” was not the dramatic ones I had seen on TV or what some of my friends had done. Mine was a little unplanned. I knew I want to speak with her about the future but yet I did not want to wait till I am back two months later. There was no ring or one knee on the ground.


Things took a turn for the better after that. Strangely we did not quarrel as often. I finally completed that overseas stint and came back home. We enjoyed every moment together. We decided to plan for our marriage as it takes a year to plan for a wedding like most of my friends.

It was a monumental task. The hotel dinner, the wedding package (gown, flowers and makeup) and the dinner. Everything was so crazy. It drove us to many small quarrels and disagreement. But nevertheless, we persevered. And we knew that, even if it is not for ourselves, it is for our parents, friends and relatives. They would like to celebrate this joyous occasion with us. Indeed, we had a very grand wedding dinner to appease the parents. The logistic arrangement was crazy. I began to think that the preparation for wedding is so draining that once is enough.

We took a short break a few months before the big day. We had a pre-honeymoon holiday to an exotic island nearby. Although it was only a few days, we spent a lot of time enjoying ourselves away from the wedding preparation and renovation works of our new home. We tried paragliding, strip tease shows, transvestite shows, island hopping with glass bottom boats, horse riding etc

She had her bridal showers with her girl friends but I do not have any stag night. My best friends were not that “western” – we just had a meal and I receive some good advice and “eye opening facts” from the married ones. Well – that may help in future.


The night before the wedding – I sent her back and then returned to my home. When I called her to chat before the big day – I can sense that she was crying. She was overwhelmed with all the preparations. It was a very stressful time for both of us. We can count that as one of the most stressful times of our lives.

When the big day came – everything happened like clock work. Thanks to my best friend who is also my Master of Ceremony and wedding coordinator. Without him and her friends’ help – we will be dead. I also wanted to plan something special for our honeymoon. Two weeks after our wedding we went for our honeymoon in New Zealand.

It was fabulous. We visited a many picturesque land romantic places – using up the bulk of our annual leave built up over the years.

We rented my dream car and drove from small towns to cities. We picnic at parks, by the lakes and even hiked to the glaciers. We finally spent time together as a married couple. The glow on our faces cannot hide that we are on our honeymoon from the fellow tourists. Some old folks even congratulated us. It never felt better.


After our honeymoon, we are backed to planet earth. Life’s routine started back again. However, things are a little different. We had to plan out schedule in twos now. We need to plan the route to work with me dropping her off or she dropping off depending on where we had to go. Like most married couples, we moved out from our parents. We bought a condominium near the city. It was small unit but it was on the top floor. Huge glass panels glazed the sides of bedrooms and living room.

We finally have a place to call our own. It was wonderful. We took pains to decorate exactly to the way we want it down to the last detail. It was a small fortune that we spent on the renovation, fittings and furniture – Balinese style.

 

[his_stories]

As newly weds, we tried special things. We put the bed right next to the full height glass panel. Sometimes we would sleep without the curtains drawn – with city lights below the only illumination into the bedroom. It was breathtaking..


“Do you know I can do it with one smooth stroke?” I asked her.

“Do what?” she asked.

“This,” I replied. My hand glided gently across the back of her T-shirt and tapping it momentarily. Her bra became unhooked.

“How did you do that? I did not know it was possible!”

“Comes with practice. I told you that are you not the first right?”. She smiled. We were open about our past relationships. She knew about all of them though she does not like the details. I also do not like to know what she had done with her previous boy friends. We have a new beginning. A new life ahead of us. We need to look ahead and move forward. I learnt that.

“This is fine. As long as you keep our marriage pure and no hanky panky outside it.” I cannot agree more.


On weekends, we tried different cuisines from the many cookbooks we bought. We had a fully equipped kitchen. It was heavens.

For the first time in my life – I felt I could love and behave freely with no guilty feeling as I had before with the other girls. With the ones before, there was always this gnawing feeling of “is she the right one”. But now – I can put all that behind me.

For the first time I want to plan far ahead – with her of course. And I felt with confidence that I can do it. We planned how many children to raise, when we will buy what kind of car, what kind of home do we want for the future. The future looks good and bright.


Soon after, she resigned and took up a part time job. We planned to have a family soon to “complete” our idea of marriage.

We were blessed that she was pregnant soon after. Within four years of our wedding, our first born arrived. Our good friends and family members taught two fumbling new parents how to care for the baby, how to read the baby’s needs and wants and how to feed it. It was such great joy we had. We are proud parents.

Of course, the caring took a toll on us too. More her than me. A lot of care, attention and effort are needed for the new born. She started her usual eight weeks of maternity leave while I got back to work within a week. We got help from my mother and we hired a maid as well. Life was good.


In the blink of an eye, more than a decade had passed. The work and enlarged family is drawing a lot of my energy but I am very happy. At long last, I felt I have true earthly happiness. She was one of the best things that happened to me. And even if I could change the past I would not. I am very happy the way things are now. I feel very blessed and I have no regrets.


Looking back now, it was so many years since the first love and first break up. Life is made up of precious memories such as these that make it more meaningful and memorable and they are mine to keep and cherish. I write my memories here before they fade into oblivion.


Through his eyes
I tell my stories.

In his eyes
I see true love.