I am sorry for your loss TS.
A lot of people here have given their own stories here, and reading them has also helped me. I hope sharing mine will also help you and others.
My father passed away in November 2020, after about a 14 year battle with Parkinson's.
For anyone not familiar with PD, there is no known cause and no known cure for now. The typical progression is tremors, stiffness of walking gait, PD related dementia, difficulty ingesting food, progressive weight / muscle mass loss, and finally death due to either immunocompromise or dementia related symptoms.
My father was the strongest person I had known my whole life. Yet in his last years, I was given front row seats to how he slowly shrank into a shell of his former self, changed into an almost entirely different person due to dementia, and passing away.
People would think that, the illness having gone on so long, we would be prepared for the eventual passing. So did I. The initial shock was immense. Truly, a huge part of my life was suddenly and irrevocably taken away from me. No words can describe the depth of the pain I felt.
The length of the journey contributed a lot to the sense of loss. As a first time caregiver, I was not prepared for a lot of what I faced. As a result, I broke down and lost my temper at my father at times. These are the moments that stuck with me after his passing, and the ones that kept me from moving on.
Family relationships were also strained. I was the last one left living with my parents, my brothers had moved out after they got married. My mother and I became the de facto caregivers. Even with a FDW, it was tough and it took its toll on us. We had to go through 3 FDWs, because that was the prerequisite for subsidised nursing home placement consideration.
My eldest brother was adamant against sending my father to a nursing home. At the same time, he did not provide any alternatives; he just wanted to maintain the status quo, to partially pay for the FDW, with me and my mother as the main caregivers.
It was not sustainable, as I had to work, and mother was getting older herself.
In an email chain with the medical social workers, he decides to air all his alleged grievances against us. I responded in kind. Our already strained relationship never recovered from that.
One of the few consolations I had was that my father was (hopefully) not cognizant of how the family he built had fallen apart.
After he passed, I faced difficulty coping, and due to other factors as well, I fell into depression. I was on meds as well as psychotherapy, and after about 2 years, I was able to leave that behind.
My father was the strong, silent type. He was a man of extremely few words, but he showed his love for us through his actions. He dedicated his life to work, and every second he was not working, he was bringing us to East Coast Park, to Pasir Ris Park. We did not have much money, but he gave us everything we could afford. I never felt that I had a lesser childhood than any of my peers. He never raised his voice or hit us, except the 1 time I scolded my mother in front of him, when I was a teenager. That was the only time in my life that he ever shouted at me.
I miss him, of course. Every single day of my life. Every now and then, I still get hit with pangs of regret, certain memories of his illness where I know now that I could have done better.
I used to dwell in those regrets, but now, I feel my father would want me to remember him by being the best that I can be. He did so much for so many people and just kept silent. It was only during his wake, through the crowds of people that showed up, and their stories, that I learnt much more about how my father lived. And I will try to live up to that.
TS, for you the loss is still very near and dear. In time, I hope you will be able to move on, and live as your dad would have wanted you to.
Take care.
