(100% serious moral question, no jokes and sarcasm pls) - is it wrong to (even think about dating) or date if I have had cancer

[Evcats]

ah mah got a story to share w u didi
https://thirst.sg/god-has-a-different-checklist-dr-tam-wai-jia-on-waiting-for-mr-right/

Yes I believe in His plans that’s why I’m happier than before I’m getting my CPF soon will be old didi. In fact other than on medication I felt healthier than ever

 

[Encouragesome1]

Yes I believe in His plans that’s why I’m happier than before I’m getting my CPF soon will be old didi. In fact other than on medication I felt healthier than ever

Yippee!
Age n wisdom n experiences give us new insight and confidence that life knocks n bumps can’t take away from us.

 

[trojanhorse]

@thetortiserunner ​

得癌症... I think you think twice.

Standing at girl's family view, I will against my daughter 跟得癌症的人有男女关系。
This is a typical Chinese value thought.

Anyway... You go look for FB Magnifier
https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100063641793355

让他指点你有没有女朋友。IF you believe Bazi. F.O.C

 

[thetortiserunner]

It is true ah...
It's not terminal... Even if it is terminal...
Dating only ma...
No need to be so discriminatory on yourself...

Just have to be upfront... if the person makes you comfortable enough to share your information...

Plus dating doesn't always lead to marriage... Nor kids... So no harm continuing dating...

But oral cancer the diagnosed age (from Google) is on average 63... So either you are very old or do you smoke? Alcoholic? Or erhm with someone that has HPV? I guess it's these other factors that make them go... "Hmm"

*Oh 27... Sorry I must have missed it.

I mean for some when wait till relationship serious then reveal... It's a see if still can accept moment...

Like I dated for quite a while... Then bf has high myopia (this one can see how thick his glasses were), somewhat bad scoliosis (I didn't know before dating), sensitive to egg (I didn't know before dating) and then his brother had clinical depression... So many issues... In the end still married... Fear that certain things could be hereditary but then just take things as it goes...

When you meet the one you really like, has good chemistry... Sickness and death are part and parcel of life...

Kids for sure not, but marriage as an ultimate goal? Yes.

Yes I am 27. Non smoker, very occasional drinker on special occasions only. 0 family history of anything. I am the first one. In fact I am above average for activity for my age. Ive been into cycling and a bit of running almost like it's a second job for almost a decade.

To give you an idea, 15- 20h of cycling per week and at about 1h of running a day is very common for me. Before that an array of sports,from swimming, badminton, basketball etc. it is extremely rare that I am not exercising at any moment of my free time.

Even the senior consultant attending to my case then said that in his 20 years as one,he has encountered less then a dozen of my age,so it is super rare indeed .

Never had a gf before

 

[thetortiserunner]

Find ways to widen your network.
Thereafter, 随缘吧

Apologies,I am a jiak kentang sinkie. What do I mean?

 

[lifeisinforashock]

If kkj cancer then cannot.

 

[thetortiserunner]

you’re a survivor. so there’s no stigma here. unless you tell me you only have 3 months to live, then I would suggest don’t put the other party through all that.

Feel very shameful / disgraceful sometimes, like jian bu de ren

 

[thetortiserunner]

If kkj cancer then cannot.

As someone who does tri/duaathlon If it gives me lance Armstrong super riding powers I don't mind it as a trade off

 

[thetortiserunner]

"have had cancer" meaning cured?
If cured then no issue. But open about it when ready to commit.

If recurring, then best not to have any committed relationship.
There are people who dont look for long term committed relationship. They live for the moment. Those are suitable.

If angmoh that are supposedly more open and liberal also hiam then I guess I am done for

 

[identity_1991]

Feel very shameful / disgraceful sometimes, like jian bu de ren

nothing to be ashamed of. in fact, you should wear this badge of honour as a survivor. i’m proud of you man

 

[cheongmanz]

There is nothing wrong with dating for a cancer survivor.
You just need a lot of patience to meet the right person.
All the best to you.

 

[Zangief]

Find a girl who recovered from cancer b4 also loh.

 

[dry_county]

All the best bro. I wish you health and happiness! Pai sey I do not have any advice.

 

[LPPLKPKB]

Nothing wrong with dating for a cancer survivor, many go on to live for a long time. Good luck with your romantic life, hope you find a right partner eventually.

 

[sanukboy]

Hi everyone,this is a question that has been bugging and unsettling me for quite some time now.

I am 27, male, straight and a former recent cancer survivor. is it morally wrong/ " chek arkh" / "hei1 xin1 as a cancer survivor to entertain the thought of dating let alone dating itself?

My perception is that dating is and should be a blissful union of 2 members , to enjoy each others company, or in other words , cliche and Tumblr-like as it may sound , to live, laugh and love together (as one)

However from my POV ; (in the context of online dating) it has been pretty bad. I am average looking at best on a good day.

I do get occasional matches from time to time and have had rare success (read not being ignored ) of sliding into DMs of girls who put their Instagram tag on their tinder.

My principal is that with something like my cancer, I can hide it initially for a while since it's not immediately physically evident ; but sooner or later down the road , especially if things progress to a more serious stage in a relationship, it will reveal itself - hence Ive decided to reveal or talk about it as soon as possible, rather sooner now than later, otherwise I wouldn't be able to live with myself and losing sleep hiding a secret like that.

Owing to that , I've tried different approaches, mentioning it on my bio, telling them when we match and after messaging for a while.

However none of them have had any positive outcomes so far. Each and everyone of them has unmatched or rejected me in some form or another when learning about my condition.

Even the few and far between angmoh girls (almost even went out with 1,but got cancelled on last minute when I mentioned my cancer) whom I thought ,coming from a more open and liberal culture , would be accepting, have done so too.

So back to the main question - is it wrong to (even think about dating) or date if I have had cancer

++PS those of you who are in a relationship , especially in a long term on or even better yet, married, I would be highly thankful and appreciate it if you can show your girlfriends or wifes this post and ask what she thinks

I know many cancer survivors who got married after they recovered.
Some can't even have children but the other party doesn't care.
As long as the person accepts you for who you are after you let him/her know your condition.
Both of you will have a blissful marriage because of your journey together.

 

[thetortiserunner]

Find a girl who recovered from cancer b4 also loh.

Big brain move

 

[thetortiserunner]

I know many cancer survivors who got married after they recovered.
Some can't even have children but the other party doesn't care.
As long as the person accepts you for who you are after you let him/her know your condition.
Both of you will have a blissful marriage because of your journey together.

How did they find each other if you can and don't mind sharing

 

[zensushi]

I am 27, male, straight and a former recent cancer survivor. is it morally wrong/ " chek arkh" / "hei1 xin1 as a cancer survivor to entertain the thought of dating let alone dating itself?

What is a "former recent cancer survivor"? You are either a recent cancer survivor or a former cancer survivor (i.e. had a relapse *touch wood*)

I do not think it is wrong to be dating.

However, you may want to keep the sharing of the cancer experience to a later date (pun intended). While the journey may have been life-defining, it should not be front and centre in how you see yourself with regards to introducing yourself to possible dates.

Wishing you all the best in everything!

 

[loganrunning]

Big brain move

volunteer or apply for job at Sg Cancer Society. Many survivors there, very supportive. you may find your someone there too. If not, you are still working in aid of those fighting cancer
all the best

 

[thetortiserunner]

Ok ah mah writing here from old human experiences and laokokkok thoughts ok.
——
If I’m twenty ish year old this will be big shock to me if I read on a profile page .. I will probably skip you to avoid any prospective ‘ “what if”s I say something wrong to hurt u’
Or
what if I can’t take it that you have p years left and I have p+30 years ?
or
what if I like u then u maybe don’t live long enuf for me to know you / build a life with you etc etc etc …
——
if I m at late twenties / thirties, telling me your health or any impt circumstances just about before we know each other well enough for you to say “can I be ur bf?”. I feel this is fair and appropriate.

A mah feels everyone should be loved and treated with care n respect even if one is cancer patient or cancer survivor or battling mental issue. At the same time rule of thumb is , if this human is going to be a family member in future then they deserve to know as much as they ought to to make a worthy consideration whether they can and will accept me wholly into their life(time, resources, energy, lifestyle wise) for richer poor; health sickness till death parts us.

I have a cancer survivor patient family member so I know a tinge of what cancer feels like to a family member of a very cute human become a sad tired alws in pain cancer patient. Every human is different, every cancer survivorship journey is different.. some fought and lived on another 10-xx good years before they leave ,
Some battled and passed on before they completed the full journey to recovery.
the thing about life is we don’t know. We can only cherish who they are as a human with those fond memories and moments of life before cancer bog them down to them being life endurer n keeping still always as doing nothing n anything hurts all the time … not knowing when this pain will stop and when one will get up and talk or walk their normal little quirks again.
——
When the time I get to fortiish fifties I have had my fair share of loved ones battling cancer / battled n left / leaving me behind / learnt more stories about sudden passing on and the brevity of life. I might have even one or started some health episode difficulties of my own once in a while or for a while.

When someone tells me they have cancer at a young age I get shocked and sad but not as big a jolt as when as i was at younger and much impressionable stage of life. My heart is stronger n tougher… I can … to a bigger larger extent… accept someone having cancer as a fact n can consider more objectively whether or not I can qualify myself fit / able / willing to be in a relationship where my significant other might be sick half way or one thirds along our life journey. I’d have seen much more of life to know whether I’d value someone’s presence more than a more convenient more carefree life. Thus i can say ppl who have seen more of life would have bigger greater capacity to want and to nurture a relationship with someone who’s fought a health episode. I pray you find your special someone soon !

Wow,this is a long response! Thank you da jie, or can I call you aunty?

Like I replied to another person here. It's much better now compared to the start, but I still feel some embarrassment and disgrace at myself. At one point I was so much into cycling and fit enough I almost even wanted to go for national team recruitment team trials and now here I am. I should have been dead and sometimes I wished I were very lost navigating the dating scene now.
reveal now,get shunned,reveal later,get accused of being secretive and hiding Damned if I do damned if I don't -lose lose situation. Right now I am hanging on a thin thread; the only thing keeping me going and the only time I can feel happy and high is when I go for a cycling or running session. But even then work is getting in the way ( you can read my previous posts for more context)